This Is Your Sword
by Drive all night
Summary: Life has a way of never letting you settle...one day you are looking forward to putting your feet up, enjoying each other, spoiling the grandkids and then 'That Day' happens and nothing is the same again. A short story about #Burzek as grandparents and their biggest ever challenge. How do you get up everyday and live with a broken heart.
1. That Day

**_Just something I had kicking around. A short story a bit more #Burzek focussed than my other stories about this family. It is meant to be a follow on from Something in the Night but I guess it's a little stand alone as well. Fair warning...it might make you cry._**

 _This is your sword, this is your shield_

 _This is the power of love revealed_

 _Carry it with you wherever you go_

 _And give all the love that you have in your soul. – Bruce Springsteen_

Adam pulled into the driveway. The lights of his house lit up before him yet never before did he not want to go inside as much as he did right now. His gut was one big knot, he felt like he wanted to puke.

Taking a deep breath he opened the door, the cold air smacked him in the face and let him know he was alive. It was the only thing that did, that and the pain in his heart.

The warmth of the air inside was stifling and the noise in the house was overwhelming but it was laughter and he wondered if he was ever going to hear that sound again.

Kim turned to look at him as he stood in the doorway, his hands shaking so much he shoved them in his pockets. "What's up Adam? You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." Her heart started to thud wildly. "Adam you are scaring me."

He pulled Kim back into the lounge and asked the kids to come sit down. He had to do this all at once; he could only do it once. "Umm, I got a call this afternoon. There was a car accident, near the beach house."

Kim's hands flew to her face. She knew.

Adam looked at her and reached for her hand and then at those four faces looking back at him. "Mum and Dad, they are not coming home."

"Where are they?" Alfie didn't get it but Lola and Mae did.

"No, No, No." Lola screamed. "You are lying. No Pops, No."

"Where are they Pops?" Alfie's little voice was quivering. Mae was staring straight ahead and hadn't said a word or moved. Of all the notifications he had done over the years this was by far the worst. His own heart was broken, his wife's heart was broken and he was about to ruin his grandchildren's future.

"I'm sorry. Mom and Dad died. They are dead. The car crash was a bad one and they didn't make it."

It was like the clock wound back when Lola stood up and slapped her Pops across the face. Kim reached for her but she screamed at her not to touch her. Mae still hadn't moved and Alfie fell into his Pops' arms. Iris just sat there watching them. She had no idea how much her world had just changed.

"I'm so sorry." It was all Adam could say as he cradled Alfie. Kim moved and sat with Mae who was in some state of shock and she let Iris climb into her lap. She had no idea what was going on but everyone was crying and that upset her.

"Mummy home soon." She asked innocently and Kim's damn wall broke.

"Oh my poor baby girl." She sobbed.

Adam handed Alfie over to his grandmother and went in search of Lola. She was lying face down on her bed sobbing uncontrollably. "Oh Lola Bear."

"It's not true, please Pops."

"Lola Bear I would do anything to tell you it's not true, anything but I can't." Adam lay down beside his granddaughter and was relieved that she let him hold her. "I want to fix this, I want to fix your Mum and Dad but I can't."

"What do we do now?"

"Right now we stay right here and cry and we hold onto each other, all of us."

"I want my Mom and Dad." She wailed. His world had been shattered, he'd lost his daughter but listening to his granddaughter's grief was a pain he never thought he'd feel.

He had four beautiful grandchildren and they were orphans. They would forever go through life without their parents. Their Mom and Dad would never see them grow up, become adults, fall in love, marry, have children. Iris would probably never even remember them and that really hurt.

"So do I Lola Bear."

He stayed with her until she fell asleep. He had no idea how long it had taken but when he headed back down Kim was still sitting on the couch with Alfie on her lap, Mae beside her and Iris was playing next to her.

"Where's Lola?" She slipped Alfie off her lap and asked Mae to cuddle him. She did so wordlessly and then she fell into Adam's arms.

"Asleep."

"I know Darlin'. I know." He whispered as she sobbed her heart out. Adam was devastated listening to Kim's hysterical wails. He took her out of the lounge and caught her as her knees buckled. "I'm so sorry Kim." He had no idea how he was doing it, how he was still standing but he had too. He had no choice.

They called Angus and he came straight over before they called Sam's family. The grief was overwhelming for the kids and they struggled to cope with them. Lola refused to come out of her room, Mae hadn't said a word all night and Alfie was distraught and trying to protect Iris from everyone. He didn't want anyone to touch her. "No." He pushed his Uncle away. "Only our family can touch us."

"Alfie, it's okay." Adam tried to reason with him. "Let Gus help."

"No, stay away. She's my sister. Mum and Dad would want me to look after Bug." He pushed Adam away. "I'm the man now. It's my job."

Mae worried them the most. She had not said a word all evening. Everyone tried to talk to her and she didn't say a thing. Even when Iris tried to talk to her she just stared at her and eventually she disappeared and they found her curled up on her bed sound asleep.

Lola came out to help put Iris to bed and Alfie insisted on sleeping with her.

It was only once they were all in bed and everyone had gone home that Adam and Kim fell apart. Their baby girl was dead, their beautiful Polly gone in the blink of eye, her life snatched away and four beautiful children left behind. They took a tiny little bit of solace from the fact that it happened quickly, they didn't suffer and Sam was with her.

Adam had barely taken in what the police had told them about the accident but that one thing he remembered, they'd told him that they died instantly. The moment the truck came around the bend on the wrong side of the road and slammed into them head on. They had gone up to the Beach House for a couple of nights before they headed home to Australia. They had bought them home for Christmas like they promised when they went back when Sam took the job to open a new Open Range Zoo.

"This is a nightmare. I want to wake up." Adam cried, he buried his face in his hands and sobbed. "I don't know what to do."

"Oh god, oh god." Kim couldn't help him. She didn't know what to do or say the state of shock rendered her useless to her husband.

They barely slept and weren't surprised when Mae silently crawled into bed between them. She didn't even speak when Iris came in asking for Dada or Mommy when she woke. Kim burst into tears and her brief hope that it was just a nightmare was shattered when she blinked and realised they weren't there and never would be again.

Alfie woke up screaming and Kim bolted from the bed and Lola was already with him. "Where's Bug?" he panicked.

"She's with Pops. She's okay Alfie." Kim watched as Lola comforted her brother. The kids were circling their wagons, they were pulling each other close and that was a tiny sliver of light in all this gloom.

Except Mae, she was pulling away from everyone. She wasn't talking and no matter how much they tried to talk to her she just shut down and it worried them.

Iris was torn, her siblings behaviour was unsettling her, but she was three and life was different for her. When word got out and people starting turning up to the house things spiralled. She clung to her MiMi, like she would do to her Mum and Dad. She asked for them every time she heard their name and looked for them constantly and would pull away from everyone who tried to touch her and get upset, so much so Kim had to ask people not to touch her.

As the house filled with people and flowers Adam noticed that they kids had disappeared. He found them, in Lola's room all curled up together on her bed and he didn't even ask them to come out. Sitting on the edge of the bed he asked them if they needed anything and to call him if they wanted him or MiMi and left them alone.

He would have sat with them all afternoon to stay away from the misery downstairs but it wasn't fair on Kim who was barely keeping it together and when Iris fell asleep Kim put her to bed and it wasn't long before Alfie was sleeping with her. He didn't want her to be alone, he didn't want her to get scared becuase they 'were all alone now.'

While their grief was all consuming it was the kids that weighed the heaviest on them so they had to keep going. They refused to talk about the funeral. Lola told them to "Stop, stop talking about it. You are upsetting Mae and Alfie." When she overheard them discussing it with Heidi.

"Chicken."

"Don't call me that. Nobody calls me that anymore." She yelled at them. "So stop it."

"Okay, okay Lola. Please sit down." Kim reached for her hand. "I know this is upsetting, trust me I don't want to talk about it either, neither does Pops and Heidi but we have to decide some things."

"No." Lola shook her head. "We don't want to do this."

They left it for another day, having made some initial plans they delayed it again.

Mae still wasn't talking. They talked to Hudson about her and he wasn't concerned at this stage, it wasn't unusual for a child her age to shut down. He suggested that they all have counselling sooner rather than later though.

Right now they were taking their anger out on Adam and Kim and everyone around them. It was hard to watch and Adam and Kim were struggling. They were grieving too and people wanted to help them and they let people help out with meals and menial tasks while they focussed on the kids. Things happened around them and they were grateful for their families and friends.

Not that anyone was eating much. It was a never-ending nightmare and the days were long and relentless.

Gus was always at his parents house if he wasn't at work and Rhiannon had came a few times but Vivienne wanted to play with them and that upset Alfie and Mae and Lola told them to take her home. They tried not to take it to heart but it was gut wrenching to see these beautiful happy children so utterly broken.

Iris started to lash out. She was getting emotional and irrational and Alfie tried to look after her and push everyone else away. He hit Adam when he tried to step in and take Iris from him when he was trying to hug her. Alfie was holding on so tight to her she was crying. "I hate you." He screamed at his Pops. "I hate you."

"I love you Alfie." Was all he could say. "Let me know if you need me to help with Iris."

They had temper tantrums, tears, anger, nightmares and regression. It was an emotional rollercoaster twenty-four hours a day. There was hardly any relief or any time for Adam and Kim to deal with their own grief. A few minutes at night to give into it was all they got before they had someone in bed with them or they ended up sharing a bed with a couple of small bodies. It wasn't long before Kim slept with Alfie and Iris and Adam slept with Mae, in the same room as Lola. They didn't even get the chance to comfort each other.

Iris suddenly stopped using the bathroom, she wasn't great at it to begin with but she regressed but they couldn't get mad at her, even though the others did. Alfie's anger was getting worse and not only had he yelled and hit Adam, he hit Iris too. "Enough Alfie, don't hit Iris." Kim grabbed his arm. "I know you are upset and angry but don't take it out on Iris, she doesn't understand." He dissolved into tears and Kim felt terrible for yelling at him. They were struggling to cope with them and constantly worried if they were doing the right thing or not. People were full of advice but all they could do was trust their gut and do what they thought was best. Only time would tell if it was the right thing to do.

Mae still hadn't spoken. It had been three days since they heard her voice. Hudson kept telling them it was okay and if and when she did talk to them the best thing they could do was act normal, not make a fuss and answer her like they usually would. He doubted she even knew what she was doing.

Getting them to eat was a challenge and the diet left a lot to be desired because they let them eat whatever they felt like. Generally they picked at it anyway and Kim had lost her appetite completely which worried Adam as well. They were falling apart moment by moment and there didn't seem an end in sight.

Lola came down and sat next to her Pops late one night. She knew her mum used to do it and Adam wiped away the tears as she curled up next to him. "Does it ever stop hurting Pops?"

"I don't think so Lola Bear." He had been careful not to call her chicken anymore. That was what her parents called her and she had made it very clear she didn't want to hear it again.

"I miss them so much."

"Me Too."

"I'm scared."

"About what?"

"What happens to us now?"

"Right now you are staying here, all of you and in a few weeks time we will all sit down, with Heidi and Hudson and talk about what things might look like in the future." They had no idea what it was going to look like in a week, month or six months time. Hell they struggled to get through a day. "Whatever happens Lola you will all be together and MiMi and I will be with you."

"Can we stay with you?"

"For now yes."

"You don't want us?"

"Oh Lola Bear, every single day." He hugged her close and kissed the top of her head. "I want to spend every day with you. Your Mum and Dad wanted lots of things for you and they wrote those things down and talked to us about it. Everyone just wants the best for you all, like your Mum and Dad did."

"Pops, I am worried about Mae, she's so sad."

"Has she said anything to you?"

"No, she's not talking. I tried to talk to her and I know she is listening. Why won't she talk?"

"Everyone handles things like this differently. That's grief Sweetheart, it feels different for everyone and for Mae she is handling it by not talking to us. We just need to be patient with her, keep talking to her and when she is ready to talk she will let us know. I know you will keep looking after her and if she says something to you try not to get too excited and just keep talking to her normally. Can you do that?"

"I'll try. I just want her to talk to me." Lola loved being close to her Pops right now. "I want to tell her I love you."

"Oh Bear, just keep telling her that. She can hear you." They talked to Mae as much as she let them, and they knew she was listening to them. They had found her crying in her room, curled up on her bed and noticed her disappear when people came to the house but she would respond when they talked to her and also sought them out for a cuddle when the house was quiet. She would play with Iris silently but listen to her talk, take her to the bathroom if she asked or get her a drink.

She was quiet for a while. "Iris won't remember them will she?"

"We will make sure she does. There are so many photos and videos of your Mom and Dad and all your memories you can share with her."

"Are you sad Pops?"

"Lola Bear, I am heartbroken." He sobbed and Lola crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. You were never too big for a hug.


	2. The Darkest Hour

It was a harrowing day for everyone. It was always going to be and Kim sat at the kitchen bench almost catatonic. She hadn't slept at all, Iris had a rough night and she was asleep right now with her brother. She was waking up three or four times a night and crying out for her Mum and Dad.

"How are you?" Adam wrapped his arms around his wife. Sadness oozed out of both of them. Today they were burying their daughter. Nothing was going to make this pain go away.

"Well I am up, that's the best I got."

"Me too." He tightened his grip and kissed her cheek. "I love you so much Darlin'. Tell me what I can do?"

"Nothing. Nothing is making this nightmare easier to deal with. I don't want to do this anymore."

"I know. How were your two?" Adam and Kim hadn't shared a bed in days. They had two each and this strange life they were suddenly living felt surreal. When he woke that morning, for just a second he forgot and then he felt his two granddaughters beside him and he remembered. He lay there for just a moment and tried to fight the overwhelming devastation he felt that he would never feel his daughter's arms again, or kisses or hear her laugh. All he had now was these two beautiful girls and the other two currently sleeping with their grandmother.

He thought of his wife and the tears fell. She was being so strong, she felt she needed to be, but this is the woman he loved beyond all reason and she was breaking and he could see it. Her heart was broken, as his was but they kept going. She was never going to be the same. Her daughter was dead and that was never going to not hurt and he wanted to hold her and tell her that he'd fix this for her. He wanted to fix her broken heart, he just didn't know how or if he ever could.

"Iris was restless, she's sleeping now with Alfie. Poor boy, he just keeps trying to help her."

"He's like his Daddy." Kim heard the sob catch in Adam's throat.

As soon as the car pulled up at the church things started to spiral. Mae refused to get out of the car, she pushed Adam away angrily as Iris clung to Kim and refused to walk or be handed off to Heidi. Lola talked to Mae quietly and very patiently. "Please come Mabel. I'll hold your hand. I don't want to go without you. You are my sister and I love you."

She did eventually come but Adam had to carry her, her weight increasing with each step, until he realised it wasn't her weight, it was the weight of their combined grief. Her head was buried in his shoulder and she didn't look at anyone. They sat at the front of the packed church listening to the grief swell behind them and focussed on the four little broken hearted children. Iris in Kim's lap, her face buried in her chest, Alfie beside her, lying with his head on Iris's back. Mae didn't lift her head off Adam's shoulder, she didn't open her eyes at all and Lola sat beside him holding Mae's hand with one as Adam wrapped his arm and pulled her close.

They listened to Gus talk about his sister, Andrew talked about Sam and both of them talked about the love they had for each other. Their heartbreak evident, the crushing weight of their own grief disappeared under the weight of their grandchildren's devastation. The realisation that their lives had changed forever, the life that was now laid out in front of them wasn't the life any child deserved and certainly not these ones.

They had a lifetime with Polly, it wasn't enough but at least they had more than 40 years to love and adore her, watch her grow, fall in love, become a mother and be happy and thrive in a beautiful marriage with a man that adored her as much as they did. It was a privilege to have her in their life. As her mother Kim felt honoured to be around to see her daughter so happy and it hurt to think that Polly would never get that. She wouldn't get to see her children grow up, fall in love, make a life for themselves, become parents or become whatever they wanted to be. They would never be walked down the aisle by their Dad.

These girls would never be able to turn to their mother when they became mother's themselves and ask for advice, or support or a helping hand like Polly had done to her. And that hurt.

Alfie would never be able to ask his dad for advice, share a drink with him or learn how to love someone as wholly as Sam loved his wife. His Dad would never stand up proudly when he graduated from school or college or university and tell him that he did good. His Dad would never be able to offer advice on how to be a Dad; their children would never know their grandparents.

Iris would never know them at all. She wouldn't remember how much they adored her, laughed with her and treasured her; all she was ever going to have was some photos, some videos and her siblings' stories and memories.

Atwater's speech destroyed them. "I remember when Ruzek announced to us that we were getting a new little member of Intelligence. We all thought 'holy crap' this is big. How in the hell were two people who could barely organise a night at a pub have a child? But they did, and she was mighty. So mighty that she bought a room full of hardened cops to their knees. Her Daddy adored her from the moment she let out her first angry wail, I've never seen a man turn to putty like Ruzek did. She came into the world on a cold dark night and the world has never felt that cold again because Polly Elizabeth Burgess Ruzek was here. He'd bound out of the District each night just to make it home in time to see his girl. Bath time was their thing and even if we were working late he would sneak home for ten minutes just to sing to that little piece of heaven. Her Mumma felt a little left out when Daddy came home but she had such a bond with her little girl, her face would light up every morning when her Mumma came to get her out of bed and when she came home from a long day at work she was greeted like a queen by that little mini Burgess."

"She would come into the District, striding up those stairs like she owned the place, going from desk to desk for her share of the spoils. The spoils that each and every one of those cranky cops had in their desk just for her. Then she would hightail it into the Boss's office, the crankiest, maddest bastard in CPD and that girl had him playing hide 'n' seek and singing nursery rhymes like nobodies business. Our old desk sergeant was a firecracker who's reign of terror as the desk sergeant of 21 was well known throughout CPD and Polly was the only one who could get her to smile just by walking in through the front doors."

"Watching Polly grow up was a privilege, she was full of life, a bag of beans, bold, funny, sweet and loving. She adored her parents and even when things got rough for her they had her back, they still have her back. Polly Elizabeth Ruzek changed the world; she changed it by being in it. She stuck up for those that needed a hand, never left anyone behind, she overcome heart breaking challenges when she was just a teenager and promised herself that her best friend's death wouldn't be in vain, so she started a charity ball that has now run for fifteen years raising money for child sexual abuse victims to help them on their path to recovery and rebuild their lives. To date that ball has raised 15million dollars and her legacy will live on through that and the school programs she worked hard to establish that are saving vulnerable children's lives all over this country."

"But there was something even bigger awaiting Polly. She fell in love with Sam and she let him go and when it was their time she welcomed him back. The love those two had for each other was immense and part of that was because of the people they had been raised to be. The other part was because of her parents and they indescribable love they have for each other that Polly and her brother Angus saw every single day. Polly always talked about finding her one in a million, like her parents had and she did find him, very early in her life when she was at her most vulnerable and he taught her so much, both when he was beside her and when he wasn't. She left this world with the love of her life holding her hand and it's a comfort to know she is not alone. This world is a better place because of Polly, and the four beautiful children she made with Sam will change this world, mark my words because they have the heart of their Mother beating inside them and the strength of their father guiding them."

As the cars drove away with their parents inside it was horrific. Lola screamed hysterically, Alfie tried to chase after the cars, thrashing wildly as Heidi and Gus tried to stop him, Mae sobbed and tightened her grip on Adam's neck and Iris just wanted her 'Mom and Dada. I go too, I go too.' She called out for them, over and over again, fighting against Kim the whole time.

All anyone could do was stand and watch the devastation.

People tried to help them but Lola wouldn't let anyone near them. "Don't touch them, don't touch me. Leave us alone. I don't want to be here anymore. Everyone needs to go away and leave us alone." Alfie clung to his sister, almost knocking her over in the process as he wrenched himself free from Heidi and flung himself at his sister while she screamed at everyone to leave them alone.

"Lola, make them stop." He cried.

The best thing they could do was get them in the car and away from the crowd. Adam and Kim had been stunned at the turn out; the congregation had spilled out the doors of the church. Sam and Polly had been away from Chicago more often then not over the last few years but they obviously had touched at lot of people's hearts. It was comforting to see how loved they were but they didn't get a chance to take it all in, it was a blur and the kids mattered the most and they got them out of there.

Back at the house Adam and Kim weren't surprised when the kids quickly disappeared upstairs as soon as people arrived and shut themselves in one of the bedrooms. It wasn't enough for some people though, it was like some morbid curiosity that they wanted to see the 'grieving children' and eventually Adam snapped.

"If you are only fucking here to stare at them like its' some freak show then fucking leave. They are not here for your entertainment." He seethed at one of Sam's relatives. They should have been prepared; Sam had often talked about how they were like hyenas at the first sign of death. He didn't care who he upset at this point. "Do you actually give a fuck that their parents are dead? Or do you just want to see their pain so you can get your rocks off? They are fucking children, they are fucking struggling.." his voice was getting more and more wobbly and Gus stepped in and tried to stop his Dad completely losing it. "…they are beautiful children who are heartbroken. I don't fucking care if you want to see them, I don't care what you think. I will protect them from people like you until my dying breath."

Gus didn't even apologise for his Dad he just led him away.

Lola did come down briefly but didn't even look at anyone although she felt all eyes on her. She made a beeline for her MiMi and tugged on her arm. She was talking to Kate Halstead and Mavis Atwater. The three woman had been in each other's lives for years, they couldn't imagine not having the around and over the past few days Mavis had cooked and cleaned and fussed over Kim and Adam and the house. Kate and Jay no longer lived in Chicago, having moved further down south a few years ago, they still kept in touch though and Kim had talked to Kate but today was the first time she had seen her.

Kate rubbed both her arms. She knew she hadn't talked much and even though Kate had talked to her everyday she was always just talking about the kids. "How are you doing today?"

"I'm getting up everyday. The kids are upstairs and have just retreated from the whole thing." Kim added sadly, her voice was shaking ever so slightly. "They just don't cope with people right now. It's been relentless with people coming to the house and wanting to talk to them, ask them how they are going. I feel horrible having to tell people to back off because I know they care. I can't think about me right now or Adam and I worry about him too."

"Yes, but how are you? Polly was your daughter."

"It doesn't really matter what I think right now, we've just got to get them through all this. Every thing else is just irrelevant."

"It's not irrelevant Sweetie. You matter, your feelings matter."

"They need us to be strong. If we can't be strong for them I don't want them to think that nobody is there for them. They are all that matters."

"No, they aren't all that matters but I understand why you feel the way you do. You are doing a wonderful job in a very difficult situation. You worry about them and I will worry about you okay?"

Kim just nodded and turned and grabbed Lola's hand and bent down so that she could hear what Lola had to say. She obviously didn't want anyone to hear. "MiMi, Iris wet the bed and she wee'd on Mae and she's really upset. Mae pushed her away and she fell off the bed."

"Okay. Is Iris hurt?" Lola shook her head and told her that Alfie was giving her a hug. Kim beckoned Heidi to come with her. Whether they were ready or not, and it wasn't something anyone was prepared to tackle just yet but Heidi and Hudson would become the guardians of the kids, technically they already were but right now the best thing for everyone was that they stay here.

Kim comforted Mae and Iris while Heidi quietly changed the sheets and found new clothes for Iris to wear. Lola helped her while Alfie fretted. "Are there still people here?" He asked his MiMi.

"Yes sweetheart. Do you want to come down?"

"No." he was adamant. "I need to stay here and look after my girls." He paused. "Lola and me are taking care of them." He looked at his feet. "But I am hungry."

"We will bring you up something to eat." She promised.

"Where will the kids live?" Heidi was a little bit stunned by the question from her Aunt. They hadn't had a great relationship for a while now and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"That's not a priority right now." Heidi didn't want to talk about it especially with these people. "At the moment they are being cared for here with Polly's parents."

"Polly always got her way."

"Got her way? Yeah sure, this is exactly what she wanted. She wanted to die with Sam and leave her four children orphans, just to spite us all. Are you fucking kidding me?"

"You know that's not what I meant." Her Aunt claimed she hated confrontation yet seem to start every damn fight with her bitchiness.

"No? I do know what you meant, you were having a crack at their mother because Polly never put up with your shit." It was true, Polly had called them out at several family occasions when their Aunt would call her by the wrong name, or the kids wrong names and tell Polly how much Jolene hated that they took the kids away or what she thought Polly was doing wrong as a mother. "Polly and Sam loved those kids and each other in a way your cold heart could never comprehend." Her voice kept getting louder and louder and people started to take notice. "Those beautiful kids have had their whole world ripped out from under them." She waved her arms angrily in the direction of upstairs. "They don't even live in this country anymore and now they have nothing but the people in this house who are desperate to do whatever it takes to make them feel safe and loved and cared for. You obviously are not included in that group."

Andrew heard Heidi's voice and went to her rescue. "Get them out of here." She snapped at her brother. "Sam wouldn't want them here anyway. They always treated Polly like shit. I don't even know why you are here." Andrew grabbed her hand as she went to slap her Aunt.

"Go see Hudson, ask him for a hug. You need it." Andrew whispered to his sister. "I'll see Mary out."

If Adam and Kim were struggling, and they certainly had every reason to be, Heidi was getting bogged down in the enormity of what was happening too. She was close to Sam and Polly and the weight of realising that she was about to take over care of four vulnerable children was a heavy burden. Hudson had been a tower of strength for his wife and also for Kim and Adam as they all worried about how the kids were managing. He had called in favours from colleagues to ensure they weren't missing anything. He talked to them daily about their behaviours and made sure Kim and Adam knew what to look out for.

For him also, he was busy in his practice and now he was about to undertake the responsibility of four grieving children, the youngest being three years old. His own kids were young adults now so this was a big upheaval for everyone. Not that they thought for one second that they wouldn't do it.

He saw his wife coming and held out his arms. "Hey. You okay?"

"No."

"Do you need anything?"

"Yep, to wind the clock back about a week and tell them they didn't need a dirty weekend away before they went back to Australia."

"I wish I could." Hudson held her a little tighter. "How are they?"

"Upstairs. Kim just took them up something to eat. They don't want to come down while there are people here."

"Don't blame them with half your family circling like vultures." Hudson had little time for them also. Funnily enough he was the favourite in the family, Heidi had married well apparently compared to the disappointment of the others. He was a doctor and that made them all swoon. Lauren married a hippy artist, Sam married a stay at home mother and Andrew, and well he married a man! Fortunately Hudson was smart enough to not get sucked into their snobbery and much preferred the company of his wife's siblings and better halves.

Not all the family was bad; the bad side seemed to be on Phil's side of the fence. Jolene's family were pretty easy to get along with and had been helpful to a fault in the last couple of days.

Kim was upset that Adam wrote himself off. It wasn't the time; she didn't need him being a drunken pain in the ass right now and refused to deal with him so Gus stayed with them. "He's just dealing Mom. He needed to crack a little. His top was about to blow; it did a little already. I'd rather he not lose his shit around the kids though, this might be better. He needed it."

"And I don't?"

"I never said that. Dad just faltered a little, he's in pain and he's trying to be strong for you and for them. He'll regret the hangover in the morning."

"Meanwhile I just keep going, I'll keep getting up to them by myself."

"I'll stay."

"They don't want you, they don't want me or your Dad." She cried desperately. "They want their Mom and Dad. They should be here." Gus caught her as she crumbled. "They should be here with their babies. They should be without their grandparents not their parents."

"Please don't say that Mom."

"I miss her so much Angus. I don't think I can do this." His mother's pain was excruciating to see. She was raw and broken and poured out of her like lava and he was a little stunned by it. She had been so strong and stoic over the past few days, he had seen glimpses of it when he caught her in a quiet moment but this all consuming gut wrenching agony was slicing through him like a knife.

"You can and you will because you have to. We all do, we all have to keep going because Lola, Mae, Alfie and Iris need us too. They need us to keep going otherwise they won't keep going. They have a lifetime ahead of them and that's what Sam and Polly wanted for them."

"I know."

"Fuck it's hard though. So fucking hard to look at them everyday and see their pain and heartache and devastation and I want to fix them and I am terrified for Vivienne and that's bullshit."

"It's okay Angus. It's okay to be scared for Viv."

"I should be worried about them, not me."

"You can be both. You are her Dad; it's your job to worry about her. It doesn't mean you love or miss Polly any less."

Angus held his mother while she lay broken in his arms. He wondered why his Dad hadn't said anything about how devastated she was. His Dad kept telling him she was doing okay; this was not someone who was okay. "It's okay Mom, it's okay. I love you Mom." He kept repeating.

Then he figured it out. His parents were trying not to let each other see their pain. They didn't want to admit that they weren't coping because they felt that they were relying on each other not to break, they didn't want the kids to see they weren't coping. The branch had bent as far as it could, tonight it snapped. Adam snapped and drunk himself stupid and Kim finally let her grief out.

"Is MiMi okay?" Gus was surprised to see Lola standing in the door way as Gus took him Mom up to bed. She was exhausted and Gus hoped that she would sleep for a few hours at least. He hadn't been surprised to hear that no one was sleeping well at the moment.

"Hey Lola Bear." He whispered. "MiMi's okay."

"Is she crying?"

"Yes she is. It's been a really tough day. Are you okay? Do you need something?"

"No, I'm okay. Everyone is asleep and I couldn't sleep." Lola turned to go back into her room. Gus could see in her room and noticed that Mae, Alfie and Iris were all curled up in her bed fast asleep. "Where is Pops?"

"He's asleep too."

"Okay." Tears started to fall and Gus swallowed hard to stop himself. "Who is going to look after us tonight?"

"I am. Hey, do you want to come downstairs, I'll make us a hot chocolate and we can talk?"

"About Mom and Dad?"

"If you want too."

"I don't."

"Okay, we can talk about something else or nothing at all." Gus reached for her hand and Lola baulked a little but didn't let go. "Come on. At the very least I'd like a cuddle."

Gus made them both a hot chocolate. Lola asked him about Vivienne. She hadn't come to the funeral but they were at the wake but Lola didn't see her and she hadn't been around much at all lately. They took the drinks through to the lounge and Lola did like the cuddle she got from her 'Uncle Bus.'

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Alfie is going to need someone to show him how to be a good man, Dad was going to do that. He talked about it all the time. Can you do that for Alfie?"

"I will, but you know what I think he's got a lot of good things from your Dad already that he won't forget. It's in his DNA." He felt Lola stiffen a little, it's not the answer she wanted. "But I promise I will always be there to help Alfie."

"Thank you." Lola had grown up overnight. Maturity had been thrust upon her and so far she had been more worried about everyone else than herself but when you asked her she shut down pretty quickly. "And, Bus. I think one day Mae might need some help, like when girl stuff happens to her. I had Mom; Mae will have nobody. Do you think Rhiannon will help her?"

It was way too early for Gus to contemplate any of this stuff happening to Viv but Sam had talked to him about how insane it was with Lola and how he struggled to cope with the fact his baby was growing up. Right now he had to push that fear aside and do whatever he had to do. "Absolutely Lola Bear. Rhiannon will be there to help Mae..." He knew without a doubt she was asking for herself too. Lola was heading into those wild teenage years and he remembered vaguely how horrible Polly was at the time but she had Mom to help her and keep Dad in check. It must be terrifying for Lola to think she had no-one now. "…and if you need her too Lola."

"I'm okay, but I worry about Mae." She was refusing to acknowledge this was about her but Gus felt her relax just a little.

"You know there is a saying that it takes a village to raise a child, Lola Bear you and Mae and Alfie and Iris have a village around you right now. We, everyone will be there for you, every single day."

"I know we have to go live with Heidi and Hudson, I heard them talking and I heard Mum and Dad talk about it a long time ago."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I want to stay with MiMi and Pops." Gus's barely put together heart shattered yet again as Lola cried. "But I love Heidi and Hudson too. I think Mae and Iris need to be here for a bit longer. Alfie and I would be okay, he's a bit stronger."

"Nothing has been decided yet Lola, we've got some time. Nobody is going to rush you and we all want what is best for you all. If you think that Mae and Iris are better here for now then you need to talk to us and tell us. One thing I do know is that no matter what you will all be together."

"I tried to get Mae to talk today, I'm really scared Bus."

"I know you are and that's really sweet of you. I love how much you care about your sisters and brother but its not all your burden to carry just remember that."

"I can't help it." She looked up at her Uncle, utterly distraught. "I miss them so much Bus. I forget what they sound like already."

"Oh Lola Bear. I'm so sorry my beautiful girl." He couldn't say much else. "I miss them too."

Neither of them heard Mae come down, why would they, she didn't speak. She just stood in front of her Uncle with her Rhino clutched tightly to her chest. "Come here Monkey Mae." Holding out his hand she climbed into his lap and closed her eyes.

He had no idea how his parents were doing this, no wonder they were both buckling under the weight of it all. This was gut wrenching, everyone's hearts were broken but this was worse than he ever imagined.

That's where Gus spent the night. Lola and Mae curled up together on the chaise portion of the sofa and Gus slept close enough so they didn't feel alone. He didn't hear his mother come down and cover him with a blanket, or tuck one around the girls before she headed back up and climbed into bed with Iris and Alfie who had both made their way into her room. When she had gone to check on the other two when they were asleep again a small flutter of panic rifled through her.

Checking the spare room where Adam was sleeping revealed just her husband and he may have been out to it but he still looked tortured.

Relief flooded through her when she saw the bodies on the sofa. Gus had one hand on them both and even that bought a tear to her eye, not that that was unusual lately. For just a moment she imagined it was Sam with them, this was something he would do, instead it was her son comforting his sister's children in their darkest hours.


	3. What If I Forget?

It had been the hardest two weeks of their lives. It was relentless and for a while they thought there would never be joy in this house again.

And then they heard it. Iris laughed and Alfie laughed with her. They were watching TV together and it was a silly show but Iris's cute giggle had started her brother off. Slowly but surely the two youngest were starting to live a little bit again.

They still had rough times and days. Night times were the worst and Alfie and Iris still slept together but they stayed in their own bed most nights and slept through. Iris would still wake once or twice but Alfie often calmed her down. Every morning she still came out and asked for 'Mom and Dada.'

Mae and Lola were two different kettles of fish. They shared a room but not a bed and Lola spent a lot of time in her room during the day but would talk to her Pops every night about how she thought everything and everyone was going. She was very mother hen at the moment and no matter how many times they told her that she didn't have to take it all on her own shoulders to care for everyone, Iris particularly she refused to budge. It was her way of coping and they had to let her deal with it in her own way. They saw what happened when something was taken away from her.

Iris had fallen over and bumped her head and Kim and Adam rushed to help. Lola was trying to comfort her and without thinking Kim snatched her out of Lola's arms. It sent Lola off the deep end and she screamed at her grandmother, telling her that MiMi only liked Iris because she was little and looked like Polly and nobody cared about her because she didn't. It wasn't rational but random outbursts were the norm at the moment. Lola fled to her room and refused to come out for the rest of the day. Alfie eventually made her come out for dinner, because he'd help cook it and it was her favourite. When she'd had her meltdown he wanted to know how to help his sister and that's what he decided to do, to cook her favourite dinner.

She also talked about her Mom and Dad and asked Pops to tell her stories about her Mom from when she was little.

"I remember the first time your Mom came downstairs all by herself. We'd already be doing the late night chats for a while if she woke but I had to go get her. Then she was in her big bed and suddenly there she was, standing on the stairs telling me she was awake now, she was about Iris's age." Adam let the memories wash over him. "Over the years we talked about so much, she told me about meeting your Dad, how much she liked him and then I remember her telling me she was falling in love with him. I could see it and she was so beautiful and happy, even if I thought she was too young to fall in love, I was her main man and suddenly there was this annoying boy making her smile and I was a little bit jealous. We were here before she married your Dad, the night before and she told me that he was her one in a million. When she was pregnant with you, and Mae. I sat with her late at night when she was so sick with Alfie and before you moved away." Adam paused a little. "I loved it so much and I think I might miss that the most. It was just our time, MiMi didn't even know what we talked about some nights." Adam took a deep breath and his voice shook a little. "You know the last time she came and talked to me?"

Lola shook her head.

"The night before they went away. She was here with me, the last thing she did was kiss me on the cheek and tell me she loved me to the moon." The tears slid silently down Adam's cheeks as he cradled Lola's head. "I loved your Mom so much Lola Bear."

"I love you to the Moon Pops."

Mae would find somewhere quiet to be alone and read or do a puzzle by herself or watch TV and would often watch Iris playing but she still didn't speak. If you asked her a question she would nod or shake her head, if they asked her to do something she just got up and did it, even taking Iris to the bathroom, she just did it and said nothing. She ate dinner with them, pushing most of the food around her plate and just sat and listened to the conversations happening around her.

Adam and Kim found solace in each other's arms again at night, once everyone was asleep and the grief was still overwhelming, especially at the end of another long day.

Out of all of them, they worried about Mae the most. They wanted to know what was going on in her head. Alfie had opened up to them and told them he felt guilty for playing with his toys, that he thought he had to be sad all the time and it wasn't fair to have fun. He talked about how much he missed his Mom and Dad and wanted to watch videos of them all the time.

They also saw his anger, he was angry with them for leaving him, he was angry with them for leaving Iris, _'she's still little, and she won't remember them.'_ And he was worried that he would have to call Heidi and Hudson Mom and Dad and he didn't want to do that. He missed Australia too, he wanted to go back because _'life was nicer there. Mom and Dad were still alive in Australia. I hate being here.'_

Adam didn't know what to do or say when Alfie asked him what happened in the accident and why they died. Was there lots of blood? Did they cry? Did Dad hold Mom's hand while they were dying? Did anyone help them?

He tried to comfort him by telling him that they were together, it all happened very quickly and they didn't feel any pain. All the other details, he didn't need to know right now. They died because a truck hit their car and it was going too fast and Dad couldn't do anything to get out of the way.

"Do you think they miss us?"

"Oh god Alfie yes, they would do anything to be here with you, they never wanted to leave you. Mom and Dad are holding onto each other and watching down from heaven to make sure you are okay. I know this is hard, and it's not fair but they would love to see you smile again."

They were gutted when they overheard Alfie telling Iris that it was all "Dada's fault. Stop talking about him." Iris was still asking for them every day and when she heard a car she'd perk up and look hopefully at the door for them to walk in. The look of disappointment on her face was crushing.

"Alfie, Sweetheart. Please don't say that. It wasn't your Dad's fault, it was an accident." Kim was mortified.

"He should have not crashed." Alfie countered angrily, it was all part of the process. "Then my Mom would still be alive and then everyone would be happy." It was all so simple in his mind. Cause and affect. His Dad was driving, they crashed, and they died, everyone was sad so it was his Dad's fault.

Alfie relented when Kim burst into tears. "Sorry MiMi." He apologised. He hated seeing people crying.

"I know you are upset and confused and angry but please don't say things like that. It wasn't anyone's fault, especially not your Dad. It makes me very upset to hear you talking like that and talking to Iris like that." MiMi hugged him but Alfie knew that she wasn't happy with him and that he had upset her.

Adam found Kim standing outside Mae's room. The door was closed and she had tears streaming down her face. She pressed her finger to her mouth to get Adam to stay quiet.

"Ris loves Mae." Iris was a chatterbox today. She had come out of her shell the last few days; it was like the clouds were lifting for her and her natural instincts were starting to kick in. She was a little girl who loved to play and had a lifetime of growing to do.

Mae's quiet little voice was like a gift. It was the first time they had heard her talking for almost two weeks. Kim wanted to burst in and hug her but they just listened instead. "I love you too Bug. Don't worry, Pops will be home soon."

Adam had gone out to run some errands and as seemed to be the way as soon as someone left they would withdraw and fret until they came back. When he got home he had to let them know he was back.

There were things that needed to be sorted out with regards to the care of the kids and they were working through them slowly. They had to be enrolled in school, not that they were anywhere near ready to return to school yet. At this early stage it had been decided that they would stay with Adam and Kim. Another upheaval right now wouldn't be the best thing for them. Even talking to them about moving bought a lot of anger and tears, they needed to feel safe and at this point in time they felt safe with their MiMi and Pops. It was Heidi and Hudson's suggestion to leave them with their grandparents for the foreseeable future.

Caring for them was a fulltime job for two people and Kim and Adam were best placed to offer that to them for the time being, until they were more settled. Heidi was heavily involved and saw them everyday and they agreed it was going to be a long slow transition.

He knocked quietly on the door and opened it. "Hey, I'm home."

"Hi Pops." Iris responded cheerfully while Mae just looked at him and nodded slightly. He felt Kim beside him and she was desperate to say something to Mae but she had turned away from them and continued to play with Iris's toys.

Adam closed the door and they stood and listened for a few moments. "See I told you Pops would come home." She told her sister quietly.

"Okay." Adam led Kim away. "They will hear us crying. That was beautiful, how beautiful did she sound?"

"She sounded like Polly." That thought just made Kim cry even harder. Having pushed her grief aside for a few weeks it was starting to seep through her cracks. "Adam, I miss my Baby."

"Oh Darlin' I know you do." Adam missed her just as much. "You have been amazing. I don't know how you do it."

"What choice do we have?"

"None." Adam was starting to crave his wife. That part of their life had ground to a halt, neither of them could contemplate the feeling of happiness nor comfort that having sex would bring. Not when the world outside their bedroom door was in tatters. At some point though he started to miss her, and wanted to feel something other than overwhelming sadness and crushing grief. He settled for a kiss, a soft slow, gentle loving kiss and a fierce hug.

It was days later that they really heard her voice for the first time, the first time she spoke to them. Lola had told them that Mae talked to Iris and Alfie and sometimes to her but didn't say much. She would just calm them down when they were fretting and then go back to nothing. She hadn't mentioned her Mom and Dad at all.

"I'm scared." She stood at the bottom of the stairs, well after she had gone to bed. They didn't see her but the voice made them jump. They weren't expecting to see Mae; it was always Lola who came down.

Mae used to do it with Sam all the time, Polly often joked that she was just copying her because she was always coming down to talk to her Dad. Sam loved it and they never told Mae to stop. It was a huge thing for her to be here right now. It felt enormous and they were anxious to get it right.

It took everything they had in them not to leap up and rush her. Kim just held out her hand and Mae took a few steps then stopped for a moment before continuing. She climbed up in between her grandparents. They didn't say anything and just waited.

"I am scared I will forget to miss them." She sobbed; she was utterly devastated. "What if I forget to love them?"

"Oh Mae." Kim cried with her and Adam held onto them both. "My poor heartbroken Mabel. You will never forget to love them, I promise you that. They will always be a huge part of you and who you are."

That was all she said. Again she fell silent and put her head down on MiMi's lap and closed her eyes. Adam rubbed circles on her back and they watched her fall asleep. Their beautiful heartbroken granddaughter, every time they saw these wonderful children struggling it made them hurt even more. They honestly didn't know when it was going to stop. They didn't know where the bottom was because everyday the hole was just getting deeper.

Mae stirred when Adam tried to pick her up and take her up to bed. They had let her sleep for a couple of hours in their laps. They talked quietly about her future, their future and what the next few days and weeks looked like. Adam had sorted a few things out today, Gus had power of attorney and they needed to get the process started to set up the trust accounts that Polly and Sam wanted for them. They had been very specific in their wants and had also made sure that they separated the responsibilities for their estate. Gus had power of attorney while Heidi and Hudson had guardianship of the children, but it allowed them to make any decision that was best for the kids. Adam and Kim would always be included in any decisions about the ongoing wellbeing of their grandchildren.

They were very specific though. They must all stay together, that was not negotiable and the funds were available for their care and education.

"No Pops No." Mae held onto his neck tightly as he tried to put her into bed. She clung to him like a barnacle and she was shaking and Lola sat upright in bed suddenly.

"Do you want to sleep with MiMi and me?" She nodded her head. "Okay, shhh Sweetheart." He stopped briefly and talked to Lola. Telling her that Mae was fine, and she should go back to sleep and try not to worry. If she needed to come into their room she could. Lola thought she'd be okay but it was her first night alone in a room and that did scare her a little.

"I'll leave the door open a bit and the light is on in the hallway. Don't be scared in here alone Lola, please." They would sit up all night with them if they had too.

Kim wasn't surprised when Adam came in with Mae still attached to him. He lay her down next to her grandmother and when he came to bed they surrounded her with their own grief and waited until her breath evened out.

"Adam, she's so broken."

"I know, but she's talking. That's better than yesterday."

"Is it?"

"I hope so." He leant over and kissed Kim softly. "Just sleep Baby. She's safe here with us."

"Hey Lola Bear." Adam was up early making a coffee. Kim and Mae were still asleep as were Iris and Alfie. Adam had checked on them before he came down.

He found himself getting up earlier and earlier, just to get a few minutes alone and he would use that time just to think. Sometimes about Polly but that was too hard to deal with alone so he thought about his grandchildren and what he had to do for them today. And Kim, he thought about his wife, a lot.

She had been immense through all this but she was tired, heartbroken and barely hanging on. Adam worried about her, a grieving mother had always been his worst nightmare on the job and now he had one in his house. The one grieving mother he never wanted to meet.

"Morning Pops. Is Mae okay?"

"She is, she is still asleep with MiMi."

"I know, I checked, I checked on all of them."

"Thanks Sweetheart." He reached over the counter and squeezed her hand, he wasn't surprised that Lola had already checked on them, the little mother hen that she was. "How are you today? Did you sleep okay?"

"Yes."

"You know Mae came down and talked to us last night?"

"What did she say?" Lola was surprised. Mae had been talking for a few days but when Lola suggested she go and ask MiMi for something for Iris to eat but she refused, shaking her head angrily and telling her 'No'. Even then she stopped talking to Lola again.

"That she was scared that she would forget your Mom and Dad."

"I won't let her Pops, I promise."

"I know you won't. It was nice to hear her voice though. I've missed hearing it." Adam pulled up a stool and sat opposite Lola. "We want you to know that you are going to stay here with MiMi and I for a bit longer."

"Really?"

"Yes. We all talked about it and Heidi and Hudson agree that the best thing for you all is to stay here with us. Heidi will be around a lot though and technically they are you guardians. We will all be making decisions together and we will always listen to you and involve you all."

"Is Heidi upset that we don't want to live with her?" They were starting to get a sense of Lola's state of mind. She wanted to know everyone around her was okay, she worried and talked about everyone else and how they were feeling so that nobody would ask her how she was. "I don't want to upset Heidi and Hudson."

"No Lola, Heidi and Hudson both want what is best for all of you. It's hard for them too, they loved your Dad and Mom." Adam was onto her. "How do you feel about that?"

"I think it's the best thing for Mae and Iris and if they get upset then Alfie gets upset."

"Okay, but Lola that's not what I asked. How do you feel about it?"

"I want to stay here with you."

Alfie bought Iris downstairs with him. He woke her up when he woke because he didn't like leaving her alone. She was not happy about it and ran up to Adam and demanded to be picked up. "Mom and Dada home today?"

"No sweetie." Adam answered the same question every day. "Mom and Dad aren't coming home. It's just us now."

"They are dead." Alfie was exasperated with having to tell Iris constantly about their parents.

"No." she waved her hand angrily at Alfie. "They come home."

"Okay Bug, Mom and Dada aren't here anymore, remember they got very hurt and they died. We can't see them anymore but we can still love them."

"No, I want Mom."

"Why can't she remember?" Alfie just didn't understand. It wasn't that hard, he didn't forget, he never forgot.

"Because she is three Bud, she doesn't understand very well. We just have to keep talking to her and explaining it to her."

"I don't want to, I don't want to talk about it anymore." He ran from the room and Adam sighed. Adam got the feeling they were in for another rough day.

Lola offered to take Iris and get her a drink while Adam went to talk to Alfie. He found him lying face down on the couch and didn't move when Adam sat down beside him and rubbed his back softly. "You okay Alfie?"

"No, I wish I could forget like Iris does."

"Can I tell you a secret?" Alfie rolled over and nodded. "Me too. Every morning I wake up and for just a moment I forget and I am happy and then I remember why my heart hurts so much and that makes me sad again, but I am here with you and the girls and MiMi and we are going to be okay, because we are all together."

Another thing that seemed relentless was their phones constantly ringing or beeping with messages. People wanted to help, people wanted to make sure they had food to eat, they offered to sit with the kids and also they people were helpfully sending through articles and links to websites about helping children through their grief. It was appreciated but overwhelming and most of the day their phones were on silent.

Adam heard his phone buzz in the kitchen and Iris heard it too and coming running into the room and gave it to him. "Phone Pops."

"Thank you Bug." He checked the messages. It was the group chat, which included all Sam's family and Gus and Rhiannon and it a message from Kim, she was obviously awake and he would take her up a coffee and see how Mae was, there was no way Kim would come down and leave Mae alone. Just in case she wanted to talk again.

 _'Mae came down and talked to us last night. She's so heart broken.'_

 _'How is she? Did she say much?'_ Heidi replied almost immediately.

 _'No just that she was scared she was going to forget to miss them and love them. She slept between Adam and I last night; she refused to go back to her own bed. She's still sleeping now.'_

They had an army behind them and that was comforting. Adam made Kim a coffee and slipped upstairs while Iris was talking to Lola and Alfie was watching TV. Kim was just watching Mae sleep; she was stroking her hair softly and smiled at Adam when he opened the door.

"Hey Darlin', coffee for you. I saw you were awake." He placed it on the side table and sat on the edge of the bed. "Still asleep."

"She is, she woke up and went to the bathroom when you got up and then came back to bed and went back to sleep."

"Did she say anything?"

"No. I am starting to think we imagined it." Adam wiped a tear that trickled down her cheek.

"We didn't." He kissed her damp cheek. "I love you Darlin'."

"I love you too. How is everyone else?"

"Up and going." He decided to not to tell her about Alfie's little meltdown this morning. Sometimes it was better to keep things to themselves. He was sure, at times Kim didn't tell him about moments with the kids either. "Stay here, I'll make them breakfast."

Kim wasn't going anywhere while Mae was still in her bed. She drank her coffee, replied to a few messages and waited. Mae eventually stirred and Kim put her phone away and wiggled down so she was facing her little girl. "Good Morning Mae." She brushed the hair away from her forehead and kissed it softly. "Did you have a good sleep?"

Mae nodded but didn't say anything.

Kim waited and Mae just wanted to be cuddled. "You know you I loved hearing your voice last night. I've always loved hearing your voice." Kim couldn't help herself, she wanted to hear that sweet voice again, and she was desperate to hear it but got nothing.

"Pops is making breakfast, shall we go have some breakfast." Mae nodded and gave MiMi one more hug and scuttled from the bed. She tried not to be crushed by Mae's silence.

Adam greeted her happily when they came down and Kim just shook her head sadly and he knew what that meant. Mae wasn't talking. He hugged Kim in the kitchen while Mae sat in the lounge eating her breakfast. The others had already finished. "Baby steps, we know she is talking to the kids, she talked to us, it's just going to take time and we need to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient. I just really thought we had turned a corner."

"We did." Kim scoffed and he knew that Kim didn't believe him. She had to love him for trying so hard to make her feel better. "Okay so it was more like a slight deviation but it was closer to a corner than we've even been before."

Today they were taking them to their new school. It was still a couple of weeks away from the school year starting but they needed to start to get used to the idea that it was happening. It was a new school for them and a daunting prospect for everyone. They had sat down and decided to send them to a private school not far from where Kim and Adam lived. It had the benefit of small classes and they could also send all four of them to the same school as it catered for Kindergarten right through to senior high. They wouldn't all be together all day but they would be close if needed.

Iris wasn't starting pre-school until after the summer break as she wasn't old enough yet. She would be spending two days a week with Heidi though just to give Kim and Adam a break. Heidi also had some friends who looked after their small grandchildren and would get Iris to meet and integrated with them a little.

The school had been wonderful and they had been more than willing to work closely with them to help Lola, Mae and Alfie settle in, hence they were allowing them to come in today and show them around.

It was the first time they had all been out of the house together since the funeral. Lola had gone with MiMi to the grocery store and Alfie had gone out with Adam once but he had worried the whole time about Iris and Mae at home. Adam tried to keep him busy and occupied but he wanted to go home.

They were also having dinner with Heidi and Hudson tonight at their house. While they were staying with them for the time being at some stage they would start the transition process. Adam and Kim would keep them all in a heartbeat but they weren't getting any younger and while Lola was almost 14 and she was becoming more independent, Alfie was only six and Iris was three and they needed a lot of care and a lot of years ahead of them.

Turning 70 in the next few months Adam never expected to be caring fulltime for his grandchildren and another ten to fifteen years with Alfie and Mae at least would push them into their 80's. They were fit and healthy and active for their ages and people were surprised that they were almost 70 but the facts were the facts. What they didn't want was the kids to be forced from another home because something happened to them, it was the reason Sam and Polly chose Heidi and Hudson as guardians for their children.

Mae bought her plate into the kitchen and handed it to MiMi. "Do you want anything else sweetheart?"

She shook her head and went to leave the kitchen but she turned back. "Thank you for taking care of me." She didn't look at them but it was a sweet thing to say and she didn't hang around for a response.

Kim responded though, she buried her head in her husband's chest and had a little cry. He had been a tower of strength for her, he always had been and they had been through some rough times over the years but this was by far the most challenging and devastating thing they had faced and she couldn't do it without him.

To say the school visit went well was a lie. It didn't go well at all. Lola was at least rational about it, she knew they had to go to school and this was it. She didn't like it though and would have preferred to go back to her old school. Mae flat out shut down and refused to even acknowledge the principal and deputy as well as the counsellor that had come in. Alfie threw a fit and hated everything and Iris just fed off the others.

Mae had been talking a little all morning, more to the kids than Kim and Adam but she was a little more receptive and would answer their questions, with one or two words but it was something at least but now she was completely silent again and clung to MiMi's hand tightly and didn't even nod, she just stared blankly.

By the time they got to dinner Alfie was better, although he flipped out thinking they were moving in with Heidi and Hudson and it took Adam a while to calm him down, Mae still wasn't talking and Lola was quiet but polite. Iris was just Iris and loved the toys that Heidi had for her. "Don't play with them Bug, it's a trap." Alfie snapped and reefed a doll from her hands.

"Alfred. Enough." Kim was at her wits end today. It had been a horrible day and she was tired and emotional. "Give it back to Iris, now."

"I told you I am not living here." He threw the doll at Iris.

"Stop it. We've talked about this already and what did we tell you?"

He just glared at his grandmother. Hudson and Adam were outside cooking dinner and talking about the school visit while Heidi was trying not to get upset about Alfie's angry outburst. She was amazed at how calm Kim was dealing with him. She had told them about Alfie's anger and his occasional emotional outbursts but this was the first time Heidi had seen it.

"What did we tell you?" she repeated.

"That we are staying with you."

"Right, now apologise to Heidi. You upset her, they are trying to help and everyone is doing their best."

"But…"

"Alfred."

"Don't call me that." The yelling bought Adam inside, more specifically Alfie's yelling bought both of them inside.

"What's going on?"

"I hate this. I hate this. I just want Mom and Dad." He cried angrily. "It's not fair. I want to go home to Australia; I like my school and my friends. I don't want to live here. I want to go home. I hate Mom and Dad for leaving me."

"Alright." Adam stepped in; he grabbed Alfie's hand and led him away.

"I'm sorry Heidi." Kim ran her hands over her face. "It's been a rough day, perhaps we should have taken them home instead."

"It's okay Kim." Heidi rubbed her back. "It's okay."

She sat down heavily on the couch and buried her face in her hands. Heidi was just about to sit next to her when Mae jumped up from the floor where she had been watching Alfie and sat next to her grandmother and reached for her hand. She said nothing but just held her hand. As soon as Heidi left the room to take Iris to the bathroom Mae rested her head on Kim's arm and whispered. "Alfie didn't mean it MiMi, he's just scared."

"I know sweetheart." It was the first thing she had said since they left the house to go to the school.

Adam took Alfie outside and down to the back of the garden. He didn't talk to him for a bit until he felt him relax. He had fought Adam the whole way. "You are upset today?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to tell me why?" Alfie just shrugged. "Or we can not talk about it."

"I just want Mom and Dad to come back."

"Oh Alfie." It broke Adam's heart; he wanted nothing more than Polly and Sam to be here too. He'd swap places with them in an instant if he could. He never wanted to let his kids down or his grandkids and now he knew he was going to fail one of them. He was going to let his grandson down but he refused to give in and let his daughter down. She would want him here with Alfie to guide him and nurture him and love him. He crouched down in front of the distraught little boy. "Alfie I wish more than anything that I could bring them back to you but I can't. They are not here anymore." He pointed to the ground and then patted his chest. "But they are here. They are in your heart, and mine and everyone in this house. They are part of you and always will be. I look at you and can see your Dad in you, I can see your Mom in you and I think that is helping me get through this."

"It's scary."

"It is, it's terrifying and Alfie it's okay to be scared and angry and sad, it's okay to feel anything you want to feel but the one thing I don't want you to forget is that I love you so much and I will be here for you and I will help you, okay?"

"I'll try." He hugged his Pops. "I need to go say sorry to MiMi."

"Just give her a big hug and tell her you love her."

Adam watched him go inside, he followed him and stood back and watched that precious little boy hug his grandmother and tell her that he was sorry and that he loved her. Adam turned away; he was tired. He was tired of seeing heartbreak every day. He was tired of his heart hurting.

He missed his daughter.

He missed his wife; he missed his life.

He didn't want this life.


	4. The Firsts

_In the days of despair you can grow hard_

 _'Til you close your mind and empty your heart_

 _If you find yourself staring in the abyss_

 _Hold on tight to your loved ones and remember this. – Bruce Springsteen_

The firsts.

They were the hardest and all of them had them. Some of the days were good and then a first day came and the walls crumbled. Some days the walls felt like stone and other days they were like sand and they dissolved at the first sight of water only to be rebuilt the next day, and the day after that.

The first day at school was particularly bad, for everyone. Even for Iris who hadn't been without the older kids for weeks and suddenly she was alone. Once they got back to the car she asked for them and cried all the way home she then spent the first few hours going from room to room looking for them and calling their names. When she realised she was alone she fell apart, curled up in Kim's lap and refused to let go. Kim didn't really mind because she missed them too.

They hadn't really thought about what effect it was going to have on Iris. She had been happier lately although it did upset Kim when she realised that Iris had gone through a whole day with asking about her Mom and Dad coming home.

Adam found her in the shower, after she had put Iris to be and she was sitting on the floor sobbing her heart out. "Oh my poor Darlin'." He reached in and turned the taps off and pulled her up off the floor, wrapping a towel around his wife he dried her off as she continued to cry. "What happened?"

"I put Iris to bed." She sobbed.

"Was she upset?"

"No, Adam she didn't ask about them today." It wasn't until Iris closed her eyes that it hit Kim and it hit her fair and square between the eyes. She came into the shower because she didn't want to other kids to see her fall apart. Not a day had gone by when Iris didn't ask about them, look for them or talk about them until today.

He didn't say a word, he reached for her robe, pulled it tight around her body and held her, rocking slowly as she sobbed her heart out. The kids were starting to even out and the long suppressed grief of his wife was bubbling to the surface. He needed to hang on tight. His time would come; he knew it and it terrified him. Standing on the edge of the abyss, staring at his grief as it waited for him was confronting, yet he couldn't fall into that pit because he had to protect the five precious hearts in his house from breaking completely. That was his job and his purpose.

"I know she was always going to be the one who doesn't remember them but it hurts Adam, so much."

It hurt more than Kim thought it would.

The first day of school was always going to be hard. They were in tears before they even left the house. Mae, who had been talking to them pretty much non-stop the last few days went quiet again. They weren't surprised because she often didn't talk much when she was out of the house and had only just starting talking to Heidi and Gus on a regular basis.

Each of the kids had been allocated a mentor, although Lola probably didn't need one, she certainly made it clear she didn't want one either. They were chosen to be a friend in their class that they could go to for help and buddy up with until they felt comfortable. Mae's friend was Alice and she was a sweet little girl who was waiting for Mae when she arrived. "Hi Mae." She reached for her hand and Mae pulled away. "I'm really looking forward to spending the day with you." Alice's mother was lovely and very kind and wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help.

Mae just managed a smile, only just. Her eyes were glistening as MiMi and Heidi said goodbye. "Be brave Mae." MiMi whispered. "We will be waiting for you at the end of the day."

Adam and Hudson had taken Alfie to his class to meet his friend. Rory was a little nervous about meeting him and Alfie was a lot better than Mae was but was still a bit reluctant to go off with him to meet some other kids in their class. He checked in with Adam before he left though, twice. "You will come back soon?"

"We will. We will be waiting for you after school. I'm proud of you buddy, it's a big day."

Lola was quiet. Her mentor was Harper and she was bubbly and Lola cringed a little. It was too much for her and she withdrew. Kim was worried that they hadn't got it right. They felt comfortable with Mae and Alfie's buddies but Lola didn't seem happy. It didn't take Lola long to relax though and Harper calmed down and Lola felt like they could be friends, probably not best of friends but they got on well and she admitted that it was nice to have someone to talk to on the first day.

The school called just after lunch when Mae refused to go back into class. It was too much for her and she wanted them to get Lola but they had decided that it was better if Lola and Alfie weren't aware of how upset Mae was for fear it would upset them too.

Everyone had been asking her where she was from, why she was here now and the teacher had tried to divert the attention away from Mae but they were curious about the new quiet girl in the corner and in her face all during lunch. She hadn't talked all day not that it was any surprise and that had made the kids more curious.

They were concerned that taking her out of class on the first day would only amplify the issue so Kim talked to her on the phone and encouraged her to go back, that she didn't need to talk if she didn't want to, until she felt comfortable and to stay close to Alice. "I miss you MiMi."

"Oh Mae, I miss you too sweetheart. I can't wait to see you soon and hear all about your day."

"You will come back won't you?"

"Yes. Pops and I will both be there soon."

Iris squealed when she saw them coming out of class, she ran towards them and Mae was the first to get to her. She smothered her with kisses and Iris didn't stray far from them for the rest of the day and it didn't go down well when she saw them in their school uniforms the next morning. It hadn't taken her long to figure out what was going on and she was unhappy about it, she loved her siblings and having them around was good for her.

Alfie did okay for a few days and then started to get bullied. Two boys picked on him because of his accent and called him orphan Alfie. He walked away like his Dad had taught him too but Mae didn't. She saw the boys following Alfie around the playground and she knew he was getting upset but he was trying to stay strong.

"Oh look, it's your sister. She's dumb, she can't talk."

Mae wasn't putting up with it, she could handle herself and didn't care what people said about her, but picking on Alfie was a bridge too far. No-one was picking on her brother and getting away with it. "I can so talk, we just don't talk to stupid little boys like you. You are weak because that's what bullies are, weak. I bet you would cry like a baby if the same thing happened to you." She suddenly spoke and even the boys stopped for a moment. It had been days and nobody had heard Mae speak.

"Oh look the other orphan can speak."

Mae hit him, she slapped him hard across the face and when the other boy stepped in to help Mae turned on him and he stepped back. Alfie jumped to her defence. "Don't touch my sister." He stepped in between them and started pushing them away.

A teacher came and broke up the fight before it got out of control. Even he was surprised to hear Mae's voice and she told them in no uncertain terms. "They are calling my brother names, awful names, laughing at the way he talks and calling him an orphan. They are teasing him and pushing him around. You need to stop it, it's bullying." Their parents had always taught them to stand up to Bullies and Mae had all the confidence and bravado of her mother. She was pure Ruzek right now. Even though her Dad didn't back away from a fight this was all Ruzek, she was channelling her mother and Adam would comment later to Kim that it was Polly standing up for Abbey all over again.

"You are orphans. Nobody wants you."

"It's not true." Alfie was devastated. "Lots of people are helping us. Lots a people love us." Mae grabbed her brother's hand and walked him away even though the teacher tried to stop her.

"We are going home." Mae declared angrily. "I'm going to find Lola and she will call MiMi and Pops and they will come and get us."

The school did call Adam and he came down instantly. Mae and Alfie were in the Principal's office waiting for him. "This is not a great start Mabel." He sighed after listening to the description of the fight.

"They were picking on Alfie, he was getting upset and I had to help him."

"Then ask the teachers for help."

"They wouldn't do anything. He deserved it." She was unrepentant about the slap and Adam had to try to hide his smile. The last time he sat here listening to the fallout of a school fight it was his daughter. He felt a little bit proud that Mae had inherited some of her gumption.

"Fighting is not the answer." The Principal, Mr Bellingham responded. "I know it's a little hard for you all right now but this is not how we resolve disagreements in school."

"I was protecting my brother." Her chest heaved. "That's what my Mom and Dad would want me to do." Adam felt a tightening in his chest and instantly forgave her. How could he not?

"That's very admirable Mae." Mr Bellingham had been stunned to hear her talking as much as anyone else. "We will certainly be talking to the boys, their parents and keeping a very close eye on Alfie's class. Please let us handle it from now on."

Adam made her promise to keep her hands to herself from now on and he took them both home. Mae agreed with a few conditions, she would leave those boys alone if they left Alfie alone and she wasn't budging.

"Are you angry with me Pops?" Alfie asked when Adam didn't really talk much on the way home. Mae wasn't talking again. It was her defence mechanism, as soon as she felt threatened or uncomfortable she just stopped talking.

"No, I am not angry Alfie, with you or with Mae. I am disappointed that it happened, I don't like that you were being bullied but I am glad you had Mae to help you. Hopefully next time Mae will choose words and not violence though."

The fact that his sister came to his rescue didn't bode well for Alfie but when the boys made a snide comment to him a few days later about his grandparents making his lunch Alfie snapped and well and truly put them in their place. In front of the whole class he stood up and told them in no uncertain terms that 'he wasn't putting up with their bullshit anymore.' He stared at them. "Don't ever talk to me again. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to talk to you or play with you because you are mean and horrible. You'll regret it, just you wait and see."

They tried to taunt Alfie and he just ignored them and eventually they gave up because he gave them nothing.

Alfie held the aces though, the day he talked about all the animals he had got to see over the years and they laughed at him, so he bought in the videos and photos and they soon changed their tune. It was too little too late; Alfie was tougher than that. He had to be, life had dealt him a shitty hand but along with that he had the heart of Lion, the heart of his father beating in his chest. "If you'd been nicer to me maybe I'd invite you to come to the zoo, but you don't deserve it." The Lincoln Park Zoo had rallied around the family and they were welcome to come out at anytime and got VIP treatment each and every time. Alfie invited Rory and two other boys from his class out to the Zoo to see Ada.

Certainly nobody dared confront Mae, they all heard about the fight. Not that she was mean or nasty to anyone else, she was certainly no bully but she wasn't going to put up with being bullied either. She was strong and feisty; from the day she was born Mae knew what she wanted and how to get it. She was stubborn as a mule and right now that might just be the best thing for her.

"Get out." Lola yelled at her grandfather when Adam bought her clean clothes up to her room for her to put away.

"Okay. Jesus sorry." He muttered. "MiMi sent these up for you to put away." He dropped them on the bed and turned to go. "You okay Lola Bear."

"Yes." She snapped.

"Okay…." He whistled and beat a hasty exit.

He found Kim putting Iris's clothes away. They kids were playing downstairs and Mae and Alfie were getting Iris to do a silly dance for them, she loved the attention and always performed for them. It was nice to hear some fun in the house. "Hey Darlin', Lola seems a little dare I say 'teenage'." He actually used air quotes. "She okay?"

"Well Baby, she's about to turn fourteen, what do you think is going on?"

"Already?"

"Baby, it's been going on for months."

"Nobody told me."

"Why would they, remember how stupid you were with Polly?" Kim was finding it a little easier to say her name lately. It still caught her off guard some days and she often would turn to say something and realise that it wasn't Polly standing there; it was Lola or Mae. "They didn't want you terrorising Lola, Sam was insane enough apparently."

"Living through one was bad enough, now another I've got another three. Fuck me." He muttered.

"Don't be a dick about it."

"I am never a dick." Polly just rolled her eyes and snorted at him and Adam got the hint. He would be wise to stay well out of it.

It wasn't so much the fact that Lola had her period, it wasn't even the first time since they had been back it was that she had run out of tampons that she had bought from home and didn't know what to get or how to get them.

When she didn't come out of her room and screamed at Mae to get out Kim finally took a deep breath and entered the dungeon. "Lola, what's up sweetheart?"

"It's empty." She opened the drawer beside her bed and pulled out the empty box.

"Well we can go get some more."

"We can't. They don't have them here, it's not the same and I can't find them." Kim felt like she had been kicked in the guts again, although that was a daily occurrence lately. How frightening for a young girl learning about her body and puberty whilst managing a cruel and major personal upheaval? Not only had she lost both her parents but she was now living with her grandparents, didn't have any of her own things apart from what they arrived for a six week holiday with, had started a new school, was making new friends, dealing with her own grief and that of her siblings and now she had run out of the only tampons she had ever used. It was a small thing but for Lola it felt insurmountable.

She was embarrassed enough apparently talking to her Mom about it now she had no choice but to talk to her grandmother, someone who hadn't had a period in a very long time. She did think about calling Rhiannon and Gus had told her, in his roundabout way that she would help her but right now she had a problem and didn't know how to fix it.

"Let's go together and we can have a look and see what we can find."

"I can't MiMi, I can't go out." Kim suddenly got the urgency of the matter.

"Okay. Tell me what these are like." She looked at the box and I will go and see what I can find."

"Can you not tell Pops?"

"Sweetheart, don't worry about Pops, he doesn't want to know about this stuff. He likes to live in this little bubble where all his girls are about Iris's age forever." Kim left the house quietly, grabbed everything she could get her hands on and bought them back. She chuckled to herself, it felt like she was a teenager again herself and she did her best to avoid the looks of cashier when she piled up the counter with every brand on tampons they had.

Lola burst into tears when MiMi bought them all back. It was such a big decision for her, one she just didn't want to make. It felt like it was the last little piece of her old life was gone. It was something that she had done with her mother, they had talked about it, and her mom had helped her manage her periods in the early days when she didn't know what was going on. "I wish Mom was here."

"I know you do Lola, I wish she was here too."

"I can't do this with Mom, I don't want to do this without her."

All Kim wanted to tell her was that it was going to be okay and that she was here with her and she would help her but that's not what Lola needed. Kim and Adam had both been to counselling to help them manage. They gave them ideas of what to say and not to say and one thing they were encouraged not to do was offer to take the place of their parents.

"That's okay Lola. It's okay to feel upset and angry. Do you want to stay up here?"

"Yes."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No." She hugged her grandmother. "Thank you MiMi."

"I love you Lola Bear." Kim kissed her forehead. "So much."

The road was rocky, some days it was smooth and other days were full of potholes but they were winning. Slowly but surely they were winning. Not that this was a game or a competition, it was a road they never wanted to travel but life had other ideas and there was no turning back.

Alfie came home from school and was looking confused. "What's up Alfie?" Kim slid some cookies across the bench and refilled his water bottle.

"Rory invited me to come to his house for a play date."

"That's nice."

"Do you think it will be okay if I go?"

Kim leant on the bench and rubbed his little hand. It was so small and soft, this little boy's hand was beautiful and she loved feeling it in hers. Alfie always managed to make her feel less alone, like his grandfather did. She felt for him, he was a little boy in a world that was harsh and he would grow up without his Dad. He was vulnerable right now and trying to figure out where he fit and how he should feel. "I think it would be really nice."

"But Mae and Iris might miss me."

"It's for a few hours Alfie, I think you need to go and have some fun with your new friend." He didn't want to have fun, he felt guilty when he realised that for a few minutes or hours he didn't think about his parents. He would get upset when Mae and Iris did and tried to help Lola take care of them. And then there was the anger; he was prone to emotional angry outbursts and Adam and Kim had learnt ways to manage him and them and they were becoming less frequent.

"I want to go." He looked at his grandmother sadly. "It's okay to have fun, just for a little while isn't it? I still miss Mom and Dad though, I promise."

"Alfie sweetheart. You tell Rory that you'd love to come, go have some fun. It's okay. It's doesn't mean that you have forgotten or even stopped missing them; you are a little boy. You have your whole life ahead of you and you have to live it. Your Mom and Dad wouldn't want you to be sad all the time or forever."

Adam dropped her off and Rory's parents were lovely. They invited him in for a coffee before he left and Alfie did cling to him a little bit but by the time he left he was off playing with Rory and he could hear them chatting away as Rory showed him all his things and they settled in to play with his Lego.

"He's such a lovely boy." Lucy, Rory's Mom was sweet. "Rory talks about him all the time and how he wants to help him. We are really proud of him and we really like Alfie. He's been good for Rory, he always had things easy so seeing someone having a rough time of it has made him think a little bit."

"Thank you. He's doing okay and we really appreciate Rory's help at school, it's helped Alfie settle in. It was a bit rough for a bit." Adam ran his finger around his coffee mug. "You know Alfie had it pretty good, they lived an amazing life, got to see different parts of the world and grew up around all these incredible creatures. Sam and Polly were giving them an amazing life. It's hit him and us pretty hard. We wouldn't wish this on anyone."

"Rory was so upset with what was happening to Alfie at school and that he couldn't stop those boys picking on him."

"We sort of expected it but it was tough on him. Rory did great. I hope he'll be okay today. He was a bit unsure this morning; he's a little worried about having fun because he doesn't think he should be. If he gets too much give us a call."

"I think he will be fine. We will keep them busy."

"He worries about being left, so if he starts to fret he can call us. Often a phone call will calm him down." Kim and Adam were just as worried about leaving Alfie as he was. It was a big day for him, even though he went to school everyday this felt different and he had even thought about not going when he got up this morning. They finally convinced him to go when Adam offered to stay a little while and that he could call him at anytime.

"Okay Bud, I am going now." Adam went to say goodbye before he left. "I will see you in a couple of hours. Have fun."

"You'll be back, or MiMi?"

"I'll be back at five okay?" He did cry a little when Adam left and it was sweet to see his friend try and comfort him. By the time he got home Lucy had sent them a message and a photo of the boys playing happily.

Adam checked his phone constantly and Alfie made it until about 4pm and then he started to wane and Lucy called him. "I think Alfie is ready to come home."

"Is he okay?"

"He is, he just is starting to worry a little and keeps asking the time. He's gone very quiet." Lucy was watching the two boys closely and Alfie had just about had enough, he had tears in his eyes when he asked what time was it.

"It's almost 4pm Alfie."

"What time is my Pops coming?"

"In about an hour. Are you okay?"

"I miss them, I am worried about Iris, and she might miss me." He looked at her sadly. "I want to go home."

When Lucy went to hug him Alfie baulked, he didn't like people touching him lately. All through nightmare random people he had never met wanted to hug him to 'make him feel better. A hug always makes me feel better' but Alfie hated it. He would accept hugs from his sisters, MiMi and Pops and the immediate family but no-one else. He got lots of hugs at home and that's all he needed.

Lucy agreed to call his grandparents and then made him a hot chocolate and sat up at the table while he drank it. "You feel better now?"

"I do." He nodded. "I just get scared. I want my Pops." He felt stupid for crying but couldn't help himself and he hid his face. He didn't understand why he often felt like this and it scared him. He was worried that people would laugh at him if he cried and tried really hard to stop it but it sometimes it just came out.

Lucy just handed him a tissue and didn't say anything until Alfie lifted his head up and wiped his eyes. "Thank you for coming over today. Rory really wants to be your friend."

"He's nice. He didn't laugh at me and the way I talk and he looked after me." Alfie was feeling overwhelmed but Lucy was nice and he felt comfortable. "He doesn't laugh when I cry."

"It's okay to cry Alfie. You lost your Mom and Dad and that's really sad, you know my Dad died a little while ago and I am much bigger than you and I still cry some days."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I'm glad Rory has been a good friend to you. You can come over anytime Alfie. We'd love to have you." Once he knew that Adam was on his way he was happy to go back and play with Rory while he waited for his Pops to come. He was still anxious though and would be until he arrived.

Adam bought Iris with him. He was hoping that seeing Iris was okay he'd be a little more relaxed next time. He was happy to see her and introduce her to his friend and took her off to play. Rory's Dad, Max offered Adam a beer while the kids played but Adam refused.

"I'd love a beer but Alfie saw a TV ad about drink driving and he thinks that's what happened to his parents and freaks out about it so I might give it a miss." They were constantly looking for triggers. Even telling Alfie that that was not the reason for the accident didn't placate him and he put two and two together and got ten. So they decided to mitigate that trigger point by not having an alcohol if they were going to drive. Drink Driving was something that they never did, but one drink was fine until Alfie wigged out about it and now that was something else they crossed off their list.

"Big change for you?"

"Huge. We didn't think we'd ben taking care of four young kids at our age, I mean having them overnight tired us out. We much preferred going to visit them, winding them up and leaving our kids to deal with the fallout as payback for the giant PITA's they were."

"Life's a bitch hey?"

"Yep."

"Are they doing okay?" Max and Lucy were concerned when they were first asked to have Rory buddy up with a little boy who was starting school after 'his parents were killed in a car accident while they were visiting from Australia.'

"Not sure, we hope so. We just get up, hang on everyday and hope it gets better. They miss their parents that's for sure, we all do but Alfie's here today so that's a big step for him. Your boy is great."

They organised for Rory to come over to their house next time for a play date and Alfie was delighted. It was the best of both worlds, he got to play and make friends and stay close to home at the same time.

Kim was waiting for them at home. Alfie talked Adam's ear off all the way home about how much fun he had and Adam never mentioned that Alfie had wanted to come home early. "Did you have fun?"

"I did. And Pops said that Rory can come here next time. Is that okay?" He was happy but they knew it had been rough for him but that had to love that he was trying. Despite that he stuck close to them for the rest of the evening, asking Adam to take him to bed and he shared a bed with Iris again after spending the last week sleeping by himself. It was one step forward and two steps back some days but other days it was only steps forward and as long as they kept going forward they'd be okay…one day.

"Who is going to stay with us?" Mae was a little alarmed when she overheard her Pops and MiMi talking about going out.

"Heidi is coming over."

"Are you coming home? Or is she moving in? I don't want to live with Heidi, I want to stay with you." It still surprised them when the kids went from nothing to a hundred in the blink of an eye. How they got from Kim and Adam going out for dinner to moving in with Heidi confused them. Kids weren't rational at the best of times if he could remember rightly, throw in this emotional rollercoaster they were on and then everything was magnified. It was life on steroids.

"Woah…slow down sweetheart." Adam put his hands on Mae's shoulders. "Just take a breath."

"Don't say that, Dad said that to Mom all the time and she'd get angry at him. Don't say that."

"Okay. Sorry." They certainly were learning pretty quickly what they could and could not say. None of them had any qualms in telling them off and the banned list was getting longer. "Anyway. MiMi and I are going out for dinner with Kev and Mavis, Antonio and Sylvie for Kev's birthday. Heidi is coming over to sit with you and then when you get up in the morning we will be here."

"We can come with you? Then Heidi won't have to come."

"Nice try. It's for adults." Mae just glared at him and stormed upstairs. She slammed her bedroom door and Adam cringed a little. Hopefully that was the worst of the reactions but he doubted it. One down three to go.

Alfie was pissed and Iris lost the plot completely.

"No. I don't want you to go." Alfie screamed at them. "You can't go out, it's dark. What if you crash? Who's drinking? Are you going to drive home Pops?"

"Alfie." Kim crouched down in front of the distraught little boy. "Honey, we will be careful, we are going to catch an Uber and neither of us will drive." That didn't satisfy him at all so Kim ended up driving and promising not to drink.

"I don't want you to go out." He threw his hands around MiMi's neck and held on for dear life. "Can you stay and Pops can go? Kev is Pop's friend anyway." Kim thought about it but Adam shut it down quickly. They needed this both for their own sanity and for the kids, although they didn't see it that way right now. It would be easy to stay home, stay in their bubble and not move on but they couldn't and Adam had to be the one to ensure they made the effort.

Iris was a nightmare. She screamed blue murder when they tried to leave, she grabbed Adam's legs and refused to let go and when Heidi tried to prise her off Adam all hell broke loose. Iris was hysterical, Alfie was trying to get Heidi to stop touching Iris and Mae did her usual, she stopped talking, took herself to her room and refused to come out. Lola tried to reason with them all.

"Well that was fun." Adam sunk into the back seat of the car. "Shit, they know how to pile on the guilt don't they?"

"I suddenly have lost my mojo."

"You didn't have any mojo to start with." Adam forced himself to laugh. "Don't lie. By the way, you look beautiful."

"I look like I am a hundred years old."

"Hottest 100 year old Nan I know."

"Thanks, I think." Kim patted his cheek. "Do you think it's too soon to call?"

"Yes, but call anyway. You won't relax until you do."

Kim called Heidi and no doubt she was lying to some degree but she couldn't hear any carrying on the in background. Iris and Alfie were apparently curled up on the couch together watching a movie, Mae was in her room not talking and Lola was happy to talk with Heidi. She was asking for stories about her Dad.

Whenever she got the chance she was obsessed and she would either talk to Adam and Kim or Gus about Polly or talk to Heidi or Andrew about Sam. She had a million questions and didn't mind hearing the same stories over and over again. She was relentless and when they asked her why she just told them that she didn't want to forget anything.

Adam and Kim enjoyed the night out. They appreciated the effort of their friends not to talk about how shit their life was right now. They didn't talk about Polly and Sam; they didn't talk about the kids. They just had fun, they talked about their lives and work and all the fun they had in the past. Old cases, people they'd worked with or come across, there was plenty of stories to go around.

When they got home they had to go and say goodnight to the kids. Iris slept through it all, she was in bed with Alfie but he woke up, groggily said goodnight to his Pops and went back to sleep.

Mae woke up and came downstairs to talk for 'abit'. "Did you have fun tonight Pops?"

"We did." He cuddled up on the couch with her even though it was late and Kim had already gone to bed. Adam waited up because he had a feeling that he might get a visitor. He always had a feeling when Polly was going to come down and Mae was exactly the same. "It was nice to take MiMi out and you know she smiled a little bit."

"That's good. I missed you."

"We missed you too."

"Did you talk about Mom and Dad?"

"No, we didn't. Sometimes we don't have too." He wasn't sure what Mae would want to hear. "Kev and Antonio know how much we miss them and love them."

"Did you forget them?"

"No, that's impossible." He drew circles on her back, knowing that it calmed her down and she would eventually fall asleep in his lap and he could carry her up to bed.

"Good. I'm scared that maybe one day I might forget them."

"You know, I don't think that will be possible. They are part of you, they made you, and even if one day you don't think about them they will always be here." He leant down and kissed her head softly. "In your heart."

"Everyday Pops?"

"Every single day Mae, every single day."


	5. Make A Wish

"Pops. Can I ask you a question?"

Adam and Alfie were on the way home from the nursery because Kim had insisted that they needed to grow some vegetables. The kids loved growing stuff to eat at home and it was something they'd done with their Dad and they talked about it a lot. Slowly but surely they were getting their feet under them again. Everyday was still a rollercoaster though. "Sure Bud."

"When you were little did you make a wish on your birthday?"

Mae's birthday was coming up and she didn't want to celebrate it. It had been on everyone's mind though. Kim asked her if she wanted a little party but she just wanted the family to come over for some cake. She didn't want her friends to come although they were taking Mae and Alice to the movies. Alice had been a wonderful friend to Mae and Mae really liked her and talked about her a lot. Alice had had a sleepover a couple of times but Mae refused to stay at her place, she wasn't ready for that yet.

"I still do."

"Does it come true?"

"Sometimes. I wished for a bike one year and I got a bike for Christmas." Adam wasn't quick enough to realise what Alfie was angling at. He was just trying to keep him happy and have a nice conversation.

"Okay, and did you tell anyone? Rory says that if you tell someone your wish then it won't come true and it might not happen."

"Sometimes I told my Pops or my Mom. Wishes don't always come true though." Adam figured it out. "And I know it's disappointing but it never stopped me wishing."

"Okay." He nodded. "Did we get those things to hold the tomato's up?" Alfie changed the subject. "We need them."

Adam assured him he had all the required materials to grow tomatoes.

"Where's Dad?" Gus kissed his mom on the cheek. He'd dropped in after picking Viv up. She was off playing with Iris as soon as they arrived. She loved bossing her around and Iris was pretty happy to follow her around like a lapdog.

"Outside. Getting a lecture about how to grow tomatoes."

"He must be loving that?"

"Grinning and bearing it manfully." Kim chuckled a little. "Apparently Sam was the world's best tomato grower and imparted all his wisdom onto Alfie who now feels he needs to teach Adam. Something about having to grow food to feed his sisters." She looked at little wistful for a moment and then shook her head. "Go out and see them."

"How is he?"

"Oh Gus, some days I just don't know. He doesn't talk much at the moment." Gus hugged his Mom when he saw her hands shaking.

"So just like you then?" He wasn't wrong, Adam may not talk about Polly much but neither did Kim unless it was with the kids. They would talk about Polly and Sam to the kids but they neither really got into it with each other. All that side of it was too raw.

Kim shoved two drinks into his hands and told him to take it out to the boys. He watched his Dad and Alfie working away and it was a little bittersweet. It was such a cute scene and under any other circumstances it would have been just a perfect grandfather and grandson moment, now like most things it was tinged with sadness. It was still a beautiful moment though. "Bus." Alfie spotted him first. "We've been planting our tomatoes. My Dad taught me. I had to show Pops how."

"Of course you did. You know Pops could never grow anything when we were kids. He was a bit hopeless." He ruffled Alfie's dark hair and handed him his drink. "Still is."

"Lucky he has me now." Gus would never call him lucky, losing your parents when you are eight years old isn't lucky, but having the best Grandfather in the world to watch your back was.

They heard the door bang as Vivienne came charging out. "Daddy." She called out and both Adam and Gus saw it. The tears in Alfie's eyes. He heard Gus call Adam Dad all the time, he heard his friends talk about their dads but Viv coming outside and calling out for her Dad today upset him a little.

Adam squeezed his shoulder. "Come on Bud, let's plant the rest of these lettuces otherwise we won't get our salad vegetables and MiMi will laugh at us." Sometimes it was a simple as diverting their attention and other times it took a lot more work.

One step forward, two steps back.

"Happy Birthday my darling girl." Kim was anxiously waiting for Mae to wake up and they were all waiting downstairs with her presents. "I can't believe you are eleven today." Smothering her with kisses stopped her from crying. It was a big day for everyone. It was the first birthday they had to celebrate.

"Happy Birthday Mae." Iris was at least excited as she jumped up and down and yelled at her sister, she had been practising all morning with the help of her brother. Alfie was a little quiet and Lola was a little more subdued than Iris. Birthdays were usually a bit of a festival with streamers, balloons, you got to eat whatever you wanted and didn't have to lift a finger all day.

Adam and Kim weren't sure how big to go, Lola suggested that perhaps they weren't okay with the whole shebang and Alfie didn't want to do anything at all. So there were presents, later on there would be a family dinner of Mae's favourites and cake and that was it. There were no streamers, just a big group hug and a shit load of presents for her to open. Lola and Alfie had both bought her something and also got her a present from Iris, just like their parents always did.

Kim and Adam had gone overboard hoping that it would help. Adam made pancakes for breakfast before they went to school. She had begged them not to tell anyone it was her birthday. She didn't want people to know but she loved her presents, especially all the craft stuff she got and the puzzles, she loved puzzles at the moment and she couldn't wait to get home so she could start making something.

"Wish Mae." Iris was beside herself when they bought out the cake, she had helped Kim decorate it while Mae was at school. Mae wanted MiMi to make her cake; she didn't want a bought one. Polly had always made their birthday cakes and they were always chocolate. "Wish."

She closed her eyes and made her wish. Alfie leant in close and whispered in her ear. "It's my wish Alfie, I am making a wish." She protested. "Don't say anything, it won't come true." She blew out her eleven candles.

Adam had his arms firmly wrapped around Kim and he felt her knees buckle a little. They both knew what Mae was wishing for; every person in the room had the same wish and would have done anything to make that little girl's dreams come true. Adam now understood why Alfie was asking about wishes, he thought if more people asked for the same thing then it had to come true. He was going to make sure that Mae asked for the same wish he had.

Iris clapped and for the briefest moment everyone was happy. Alfie smiled, Mae was smiling and Lola couldn't stop the corners of her mouth turning upwards as they crowded around their sister. Whatever this had done to those kids, their bond was now even more indestructible and that gave them hope. If they were together they'd make it.

Lola sometimes surprised them. She did her best to take care of the other kids and make peace when they lost the plot. She talked to Pops a lot and MiMi was always there for her. She was quite rational most of the time.

Until they were invited to the zoo and then she dropped her bundle. Out of all of them Lola probably had the most memories of Lincoln Park, she had spent a lot of her early years growing up there.

"I'm not going."

Adam had been harassed all morning. Alfie was constantly bugging him for the time, Mae was dithering and had changed her outfit three times because she wanted it to be perfect and she was tyring to get Iris to wear something that she didn't want to wear. Her negotiating skills left a lot to be desired. "If you don't wear this you will look like trash and no one will take your photo." It seemed a little extreme but Adam learnt not to get involved. He'd been told several times that he as a boy and didn't understand clothes. That had started more 40 years ago, from the day Polly was born.

Iris just wanted to go see the 'nanimals'. She didn't care what she was wearing, as long as it didn't have a tag that was scratchy.

Kim had left him in charge while she went to a yoga class. She found that it calmed her mind; it gave her a few moments to lose herself and not think and those moments were hard to come by.

He spoke without thinking. "Can you not do this today Lola?"

"You don't care what I think."

"Right now, no I don't. MiMi will be home soon and we need to be ready to go."

"I am not going."

"Lola." He put his hands on his hips. It had been enough listening to the attitude from Mae he didn't need it from her as well.

"What? I don't want to go." Adam finally got it when she burst into tears. "I can't go Pops."

"Oh Lola Bear. Come here Darlin'." He held out his arms and Lola rushed into them and he just held onto her. She'd speak when she was ready.

"My Dad used to take me there all the time. I don't want to go without him. I miss him Pops, so much it hurts all the time." Every time they felt the knot of grief lessening something came along and tugged it tighter again. Today it was Lola.

"It was a special place for you and for your Dad. It was a very special place for your Mom too and you know that's where you were conceived and they got married there. It's part of you, all of you. I know today is going to be rough, and you've had some really rough days but I want to you try, I promise I will hold your hand the entire time. They are doing something special for your Dad, I think you will regret not going."

"What if I cry?"

"So what, you don't think I'll be crying?" Adam shrugged. "Mae, Alfie, Iris will be crying, MiMi will be a flood of tears, Heidi, Andrew, Gus, everyone will be crying Lola. There is nothing wrong with that. You know as well as I do it's only the people that you love the most that can make you feel like this. If you didn't care about them then you wouldn't feel sad, angry, hurt that they aren't here."

"Some days I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"Me too. I am not going to tell you it gets easier, because I don't think it ever get easier, but it does get different. It's always going to hurt and some days more than others. Today is going to hurt, maybe tomorrow too but maybe Monday it might not hurt quite so much, Tuesday might be a good day. Who knows?"

"You'll hold my hand?"

"All day Lola Bear, all day."

And he did, he held his granddaughters hand and felt her steps falter the closer they got to the gates. He just held on tighter, on the other side he had Mae while Kim was carrying Iris and holding Alfie's hand. They entered through the main gate, welcomed by the Head Zookeeper, Matt. He had worked with Sam for a long time and had been in touch with Adam a few times and he was determined to make sure Sam's legacy wouldn't be forgotten.

"Carter." Alfie saw him first, Sam's 2IC from Australia. They had become close friends when they were setting up the zoo and the kids loved him. Alfie reefed his hand from MiMi's and charged at his Dad's friend. "You came all this way? To see us?"

"I did." He hugged him to his body. "How are you my little mate?"

"I miss you, I miss home." Alfie was happy but Carter was tearing up. He had agreed to come; he had jumped at the chance but knew it was going to be a tough thing to see the kids again. Sam had been a big part of his life for such a short space of time, they spent a lot of time together and he enjoyed his company and Polly had welcomed him into their home and their life. "I miss Mom and Dad."

"Me too." Mae was also excited to see him and joined her brother in the hug but Iris and Lola hung back. Not that Lola was unhappy to see him, she wasn't but she wanted to stick close to her Pops. Adam shook his hand and he hugged Kim, holding onto her for a bit.

"I'm so sorry Kim. We miss them so much."

The kids had a million questions for him while they waited for the rest of the family to turn up. They wanted to know about the Lions, the elephants, the wombat, meerkats and anything else they could think of. It was nice to see them happy, laughing and smiling. Except Lola, she was quiet but she listened to everything. Today was her day to not do so well, they all had them and that was okay. Sticking close to her Pops was all that she needed and every time he felt her spinning he held on a little tighter.

"Right." Carter looked at Matt and he nodded. "Let's go see Ada. She's got something to show us." They knew that Ada had given birth a few weeks ago. The male Rhino calf was doing well but was yet to get a name. The kids were excited to see them both, as yet the baby had not been on public view they wanted the family to meet him first.

"He's so cute." Mae squealed. She climbed up on the fence to have a look, Alfie was beside her and they decided to get all four of them up on the fence and took a photo.

"He is, and he's got a big job ahead of him and he's also got a big trip ahead of him when he grows up." Matt told them. "He's off to Australia."

"Is he going to my Dad's zoo?" Alfie almost fell off the fence.

"He is indeed." Carter chimed in. "And we can't wait for Hollis to join us."

"Hollis?"

"That's what we've been calling him, we couldn't keep calling him baby." Matt chuckled. "Do you think we should keep calling him that?" It was the nickname that Sam had at work; everyone always called him Hollis.

"Yes."

"Pops, when Hollis goes to Australia can we go too?" Alfie was desperate to go back to Australia and he talked about it constantly. He loved it there and they did worry that he thought it would be the same old life back there, or perhaps he was hoping he'd feel closer to his parents there they weren't sure but he was always on about it.

"Well see bud." Adam ruffled his hair.

"We can stay with Carter, he said it's okay."

Heidi stood behind Lola as she was watching the Rhino's. She was such a beautiful girl, all the good parts of her mother, long legs, big brown eyes and eyelashes and an infectious laugh mixed in with bits of her Dad, dark hair and tanned skin with his crooked smile. "You okay sweetheart?" Heidi tucked her ponytail over her shoulder.

"Dad would be so happy. He loved Ada and he always talked about bringing one of her babies to Australia."

"He did. I remember him talking about bringing Ada to Chicago; it was his dream from the very start, when he first came back. He dreamed of falling in love with your Mom and having a family and of Ada and building an empire with her. I'm so proud of him."

"Mom would be happy too."

"Oh she would indeed." Heidi chuckled; Polly loved that damn animal as much as Sam did. "You know she told me that's what they used to talk about a lot when your Dad was back in Kenya and your Mom was waiting for him. They would talk about what Ada was doing and his dreams for her. When he bought her out here he was so happy, he was driving her across the country when Mae was born and when she had her first baby he had all of you down here watching. Even Alfie who was tiny." Heidi paused briefly. "This is what he wanted and he'd love that you are all here today."

"It's really hard Heidi. I didn't want to come today."

"I'm glad you did. Mom and Dad would be so proud of you. I'm proud of you, I know MiMi and Pops are too." Heidi slipped an arm around her shoulder. "You are such a beautiful girl Lola, you are going to be a superstar I can feel it because that's what your parents raised you to be. I look at you and see your Mom and Dad and that helps me through everyday. You Lola, and that raggy bunch…" she pointed at the other three. "…are keeping all of us from falling in a hole so deep we can't get out."

"I just want them back." Heidi didn't say a word; she just hugged her niece.


	6. Hard as Rock

Kim looked at her husband, sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV. He had been an absolute rock for her, flint hard but every now and then she saw the crack in that rock hard surface.

Kids adored him, they always had. Polly and Gus had hung off his every word when they were growing up. They were always desperate for him to come home and would climb over him like a jungle gym. He had been a beautiful father, funny, loving, adventurous, firm and fair. He taught them well, they were impressive adults and his grandchildren were benefitting from his presence in their parents lives and now in theirs.

His grandchildren swarmed over him and now, particularly Alfie needed his steady strong and patient heart to guide them. He felt like it was up to him to teach Alfie how to be a man, the man that his Dad wanted him to be, the man that his mother would be proud to see love a woman like his father had loved her. He had been that man for his son and Angus was a strong, steady, patient, kind and hardworking man who adored his wife and daughter. Adam was proud of the job he did, that they did together raising Angus and now he wanted to do that again for Alfie.

He had taught Polly never to settle for anything other than the best, and never compromise your own feelings and needs for another person because the right person for you would never ask you to change. Follow your heart and expect nothing but the best and to be treated like you were everything to the person you chose to love. Lola and Mae had seen that, they had seen their father adore their mother, they had seen Adam adore their mother and their grandmother. Iris was too little to remember by he was going to make sure she saw it too.

For Kim she needed everything from him right now, she needed him to remind her to breathe. When the world closed in around her he remained steady, when her world crumbled he picked her up. It was a touch, a hug, a hand squeeze, a word, a smile, a kiss or a simple gesture when she needed it. A cup of coffee, a meal, a trip to the shops when it was too much for her.

Yet he was hurting too. His heart was broken. Kim's daughter was dead and it felt like a part of her was dead too. Adam hadn't carried her, felt her grow and kick and squirm inside her, he hadn't given birth to her but he loved her, adored her, protected her and helped her grow into an amazing woman who became a loving wife and beautiful mother. She was part of him too and Kim had to remind herself some days that he was grieving too.

He missed his Polly, he missed everything about her and even though she lived on the other side of the world at least she was still in his life and they talked, either by text or skype everyday and now that had all stopped, one day, in the blink of an eye it was over and Adam admitted that he still woke up every day and for just a few seconds his daughter was still alive. He was still whole.

But it had been relentless; it just didn't stop. They thought life was busy raising two children, but nothing compared to the life they were living now. It wasn't just the fact they were suddenly raising their four grandchildren, they were four grieving children and every morning when they opened their eyes they had no idea what each day was going to bring.

Like right now, they had had a good day, they were happy enough but Adam was struggling with something. He had no light in his eyes as he stared at the wall with a glass of whiskey clasped in his hand and he swirled it almost without thought.

"What you thinking about?" Kim slid her arms over his shoulders from the back of the sofa.

"You."

"I miss you."

"I am right here Darlin'."

"No Baby. I miss you." She placed a gentle kiss behind his ear. "I miss you."

Adam lifted the glass to his mouth and took a sip before handing it to Kim to finish off. "You've got no idea how much I want you."

"I think I do." Adam rolled his head back and let Kim kiss his neck. "Come to bed Baby."

Time and age hadn't diminished anything. Not they need for each other or the feeling being close to each other bought them. Right now they needed each other, they didn't talk except for a few muttered words of desire, need and adoration. They could share the pain, the hurt and the devastation without saying a word. Sometimes when you knew someone deep enough, knew everything about them you didn't need to say the words.

Adam kissed away her tears, not for the first time and certainly not for the last. "For just a moment don't think, just feel me." He whispered. "Just feel me and my heart, it beats for you right now."

Arching her back she pulled him closer, deeper, nearer to her heart and for a moment she forgot.

Tragedy in the past, when they lost their baby had almost torn them apart. They were younger then and didn't have a lifetime of love behind them. They had two children though who needed them to stay strong so they fought hard and stayed the course. Now they had four little souls who had lost everything in the blink of an eye and more than ever they needed to surrounded strong arms and their love and they were going to get it. This bought them closer, closer than they thought possible and it was intense and comforting.

Words were irrelevant. Kim rested her head on his chest and fell asleep to the steady rise and fall of Adam's chest and the beat of his strong steady heart. It was the best she had slept for weeks.

"Good Morning Darlin'." Adam kissed her temple as she stirred. "Sleep well?"

"I did. Did you?"

"Yep." It was a peaceful few minutes. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"You, just thank you for being you and being mine."

It didn't take long before their bedroom door creaked open. "I up." It was that sweet little voice of their youngest granddaughter and every morning when they first saw her it made their heart skip a beat. She was the spitting image of her mother and that was bittersweet.

"Good Morning Bug." Kim rolled away from Adam and they laughed as she stripped off her pyjama bottom and pulled off her nappy. It had taken them a while to get used to calling it a nappy but Iris had no idea what they were talking about when she called it a diaper. "Do you need some help?"

"No. I wee." She disappeared into their bathroom, dragged the stool over and climbed up onto the toilet. Adam got up, helped her wash her hands and put her pants back on. Listening to them talk was hard, it took her back to those long forgotten mornings when Adam would be chatting away to Polly before he went to work. Before Kim could wallow too long Iris was scrambling up into bed with her. She snuggled down with MiMi, stealing her Pops' pillow.

"Sorry Baby." She shrugged. "You've been replaced."

"Temporarily and only because of what you gave me last night."

"What did I give you?"

"A moment of peace." Adam leant on the bed and planted a kiss on Kim's forehead. He tickled Iris before disappearing downstairs to start another day. Perhaps it might just be a little better than yesterday.

He woke Mae and Alfie on his way down. They were as slow as a month of Sundays when they had to get ready for school. Lola, he wasn't touching that beast. She was not a morning person and had politely reminded him, at the top of her voice several times that she sets her alarm and to leave her alone.

School was going okay. Alfie was stating to love it, he at least looked forward to going each day but Mae still was a little quiet. Her work was lagging a little, she wasn't finishing her work in class but they were hoping they would start to pick up soon once she settled a little more. She was still hit and miss with her talking, around family she was a chatterbox but step outside the house and it was a different story. She was making friends though which was a relief.

Lola seemed happy enough, at least that's what she told them and she had been out with some new friends to the movies and had a good time. She still talked to Adam almost every night and he was more than happy to continue with that. Unlike his conversations with Polly all those years ago he shared his chats with Lola with Kim, they just needed to know they were doing okay.

Km took them to school and Iris stayed home with Adam so he could get her dressed and ready for Heidi and by the time Kim got home Heidi was having a coffee with Adam before they left. They were talking about BraveHearts, they had contacted them about the upcoming charity dinner and asking for them to be involved. Nobody was sure they were ready to get too into it yet but it was happening and they needed to get back to them.

"You ready to go Iris?" Kim missed her when she was gone. The house seemed quiet when it was empty, way too quiet and within an hour of Iris leaving Kim and Adam were rattling around wondering what to do with themselves and usually went out to keep themselves busy.

She grabbed her bag and bought it over to Heidi. She loved her day out and it seemed to do her good to be with other people for a while but she always loved coming home. Kim was catching up with her 'old witches' group as Adam called them. They had been friends since their kids were little and they had rallied around Kim a little and Adam liked that. They both appreciated the efforts of their friends to support them through these rough months.

Adam was spending the day with Gus on the shooting range. He had to re-certify for his firearm license and Adam always went with him for a shoot beforehand. It was a tradition and Adam was looking forward to it.

"How's Mom?" Gus had been a godsend. He had been level headed when they were spinning out, he fussed over them while the kids settled in and along with Andrew had flown back to Australia to pack up their house and bring their things back. While they were there they attended a memorial service at the Zoo for Sam and Polly. He missed his sister like crazy but was determined to make sure her children had the life that Polly and Sam wanted for them.

"She's okay today Bud."

"And you?"

"Happy to be here with you. Keen to kick your ass."

"You wish."

"How's my Viv?" Being so caught up with Polly's kids Vivienne often got left. Even when they did see her Iris would get jealous if they spent too much time with her. Alfie didn't like it much either and Viv had started to not want to come over to see her MiMi and Pops because of 'the kids.' It had hurt Adam when Viv told him she didn't want to see him and they had started making a real effort to spend time with her without the others around and it seemed to be working. It was hard with her being at school too but they did make the effort to go to all her assemblies and concerts at school. If they both couldn't make it at least one of the would.

"She's good."

"I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. I miss her."

"It's okay Dad."

"Nah it's not. You know we love Viv so much, we miss her and she's just as important to us as the others. It's just hard at the moment."

"Dad, we know." Gus sucked in a deep breath, he didn't know how to bring it up and this was the perfect opening. "And we know you'll love the next one just as much."

"The next one?"

"Rhiannon is pregnant. 14 weeks. We found out just after Polly…." His voice trailled off. "It didn't seem like the time to celebrate or you know, tell people but she's really popped out lately and we can't hide it anymore" Gus and Rhiannon, being the complete opposite to Polly and Sam struggled with fertility. It had taken them a while to fall pregnant with Viv and again it had been a long struggle to conceive again. Viv was almost seven now and they had been trying since she was two. They never talked about it though, if Viv was all they had then they'd be happy with that.

"Why would you want to hide it? Gus, that's awesome news." Adam hugged him tightly. "It's awesome. This is just what we need. Have you told your Mom?"

"Not yet, we thought we would come over for dinner tonight."

"Can't wait, she'll just be happy to see you all and this will send her off. Hey Rhiannon is good right?"

"Yeah, it's all good. The Baby is growing well and she feels great now. It was a bit rough in the start but we had a scan yesterday and it all looks good. We are excited. It just feels a bit weird though." Gus shook his head sadly. "To be happy about this, with all this other shit going on."

"Gus, come on man. This is great news, you should be happy. I'm happy, I need some joy in my life right now. Your Mom will be happy. This is good for us, all of us."

"I hope so."

"You know I figure you are about to tell me this is TMI, but this news together with the fact that your Mom and I actually got to spend some quality time together last night, like real quality and with this news, this is the happiest I've been in months."

"You are right TMI Dad." Gus just chuckled and Adam roared with laughter. It was good to hear him laugh again. Gus worried about his parents, it was a huge burden for them to take on Polly and Sam's kids, not that he expected them to do any less.

Gus had been a little hurt that they hadn't asked him and Rhiannon to take on the care of the kids but a letter left by Polly helped him understand the reasons why and get past it.

 _My favourite Brother in the whole world,_

 _If you are reading this, then obviously things have gone to shit big time._

 _I couldn't have made it through life without you beside me. You've always been my rock, you supported me, loved me even when you hated me (that's what siblings do right) Mom and Dad did good with you, and with us. I love you to the moon._

 _Even when I was a bitch I always knew that I had you, my brother who was always going to be in my corner. Just like I was always in yours. I'm proud of you, I'm proud to call you my brother and promise me that you will continue to chase your dreams and Angus, follow your heart. If it's not right for you, then say so. Don't continue to live a life you don't want for fear of letting us down. Don't let yourself down, be true, be strong and be you and that's enough for us._

 _Something's gone wrong and I am not here anymore to see you be the best husband and Daddy in the world. I've loved watching find your one in a million, I've loved watching you be a Daddy to Vivienne and the best uncle in the world to my four humans. I hope you'll be a Daddy again soon. I hold my breath every time you call hoping you are going to tell me you are having another baby, the baby I know you and Rhiannon want so desperately. I want you to have all the love and happiness in the world. You deserve it._

 _I know it's been hard for you and Rhiannon to watch us grow our family and I really want you to experience all that. It was a hard decision for us to put our children in the hands of someone else. I really wanted it to be you, we both did. More than that I want you to have your own family and while we both agreed that you would be the best uncle in the world to our precious humans we don't want to burden you with them when you are growing your own family. We didn't want you to put your future second. You need to make your future, your family and not be burdened by mine._

 _Vivienne and who ever is still to come, and I know there is someone not far away for you and Rhiannon deserve to have your undivided love and attention. My humans had it, they had their Dad to love them, adore them, teach them, guide them and be there everything. Vivienne needs you to be her everything._

 _We hope that our humans live long happy lives; we hope they aren't crumbling but part of me also hopes that they miss us and might just be not okay for a bit. (Is that selfish?) I know that you will still be there for them, but you need to be there for your Vivienne and Rhiannon and your future child. That's why we made this choice, not because we didn't think you could or would do it, I know you would in a heartbeat but I just couldn't take you away from your family to care for mine._

 _It wasn't an easy decision and Sam and I struggled with it, we cried, and more than that we hoped that you would never read this letter. It hurt to write it as much as I guess it hurts you to read it._

 _We desperately want you to be involved in their lives, like you are already. We want you to make sure that they want for nothing. We tried to make sure that they would never have to worry about paying for their education, homes or dreams and we know you will make sure that never happens._

 _Angus, I love you with all my heart. Hug my humans every chance you get, hug your humans and tell them all about Aunty Polly and Uncle Sam. Make them great Angus; make them great like you._

 _Look after Mum and Dad, remind them that I love them, that I will always love them and that I never wanted to leave them, you and my humans._

 _Forever_

 _Polly._

He had read that letter so many times. He knew it word for word and vowed that his biggest job was to make sure those humans had everything they would ever need. He agonised over every decision he made regarding the finances. He would honour his sister; he wouldn't let her down.

Adam clapped him on the shoulder to bring him out of his headspace. "Let's go shoot some things. This is a celebration."


	7. Light

"Now." Adam decided he was going to set some ground rules on the way home from school. "Gus, Rhiannon and Viv are coming for dinner tonight and MiMi is very excited so we are going to have fun and be nice okay?" Kim was delighted that they were all coming over and she was desperate to see Vivienne as well. It had been a couple of weeks and the last time they were all together it ended in tears for Viv as Iris let her green eyed monster out for a spell. Viv wanted a cuddle from her MiMi and Iris was having none of it and tried to pull Viv off MiMi's lap. It got ugly for a few minutes and of course Alfie came to Iris's aid and it descended into a bitch fight with tears and an all mighty tantrum from Iris.

Kim found it too hard to deal with, she got angry with Iris and Alfie and they were distraught. Viv just wanted to go home and Adam held his wife as she cried in his arms in bed that night. They didn't need to be torn between their grandchildren right now; it was too much. They had more than enough emotional baggage to deal with so this was the last thing they needed.

Gus had been upset and he had snapped at his mother, which had been a heat of the moment comment that she didn't care about Viv anymore. He had apologised immediately and Adam had a go at him. It was just a shitty night all round.

Adam couldn't wait and it had been a struggle to keep the news to himself all afternoon. He had promised Gus he wouldn't spoil their surprise. Viv wanted to tell them the news so Adam had to suck it up and pretend he knew nothing.

"Why are they coming?" Alfie was always up for a chat on the way home from school. Lola was a surly teenager and Adam well remembered trying to talk to Polly at this age, it was like getting blood from a stone. She sat in the front seat and either stared out the window or caught up on her very important messages on her phone. It had been in her locker all day, like all her friends' phones so whom she thought would send her messages they didn't ask. He did always like that she smiled, just a little when she read the message from him that he sent everyday telling her he loved her. He had annoyed Polly and Gus with that when they were growing up so it seemed appropriate that he was going to do the same to his grandkids. Lola was the only one that had a phone at the moment so she copped the lot. He also got joy out it was knowing that late at night she would talk to him so he just sucked up the attitude right now.

Mae was always quiet on the way home. It was like the effort of talking all day exhausted her and she needed to bit of time not talking to recharge her batteries. If he had Iris she didn't get much of a chance to not speak because Iris had a days worth of questions in the tank to get out. Without Iris today it was up to Alfie to fill the void but at least Mae could just listen.

"Because we want them to come for dinner. I miss Viv and MiMi does too. We love Viv just as much as we love you all. And we love Gus and Rhiannon."

"It's Iris you need to talk too." Alfie took exception to being singled out, or at least that's what he felt was happening. He was very aware of how much MiMi and Pops were disappointed in him for yelling at Viv last time she came over. "She's always mean."

"Iris is three. She doesn't understand as well as you do. If she sees you playing and being nice it might help her be nice too. So okay? Can I count on you?"

"Do you love Gus more than Mum? Is it because Mum is dead now?" Adam felt like he had been stabbed in the chest. Alfie was way too blunt some days.

Lola was mortified. "Alfred, that's awful. Don't say that. Pops loves Mum too, just as much as Gus."

"Thank you Lola."

"We love Viv too Pops." Mae piped up, finally deciding to add her two cents worth. "She's funny and cute and not as silly as Bug."

"Good to know."

Iris had a good day with Heidi and she was happy when she got home and had even had a sleep, which was good for her and Kim. A grumpy Iris was not what anyone needed tonight. She wasn't always sleeping during the day anymore and if she did it might be a quick nap on the sofa after lunch. Generally Iris was too busy being three to sleep but she hit a wall if she didn't about 630pm, tonight dinner would probably be a little later so it might be nice not to have princess bitch face in the house.

"MiMi, Pops." Viv marched through the door like she owned the place. She had swag this girl. "I bought you a present or is it a surprise?" she looked at her parents and they just shrugged. "I think it's a surprise."

"Hello sweetheart." MiMi scooped her up, planting a big kiss on her cheek. "What's my surprise? Do I have to unwrap it?"

"No, It's a baby." She giggled. "My Mom has a baby in her stomach. I'm getting a brother or a sister."

The look on Kim's face was priceless. "Oh my god." Gus and Rhiannon just smiled and nodded.

"Look at Mom's belly." Viv was so happy, her face was alight and she had been bursting at the seams to tell people. They had only told her a couple of days ago because they were scared she was going to blurt it out. "It's getting bigger now. We have a video too, do you want to see it." Rhiannon pulled her top a little tighter so that they could see her tiny little bump. How she had kept it hidden Kim didn't know, she was a little disappointed in herself for being so wrapped up in their own world that she didn't notice.

"I do." Tears streamed down Kim's face as she watched the video of her newest little grandchild. "I can't believe it."

"Are you happy Mom? We are really happy."

"I am, this is the best news ever." She hugged Gus and then Rhiannon. "I so need this. Thank you." They had been worried about people's reaction; that they would think it was too soon and that it would seem strange to be happy when everything was so sad but it was the light that everyone needed. Life needed to go on, it wasn't stopping to let them wallow and what better way to move on than with a new baby. "Where's your Dad? He needs to see this."

"He already knows. I kind of told him today." Gus looked a little sheepish. "I wanted to cheer him up."

Viv didn't get the same reaction from her cousins as she did from her grandmother. "My Mom is having a baby." She excitedly told them. Lola was excited for her, Alfie tried to be and Iris just followed Viv's jumping up and down and Mae fled to her room in tears.

Gus insisted of going to talk to her. "Hey Monkey. Can I come in?"

He stretched out on the bed beside his niece. "How are you? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm just sad Gus."

"Because we are having a baby?"

"No, because Mom would have been so happy. She wanted Rhiannon to have another baby and instead we got Iris." It didn't make much sense but he figured out what she meant. They had been hoping for a sibling for Viv for so long and when Polly fell pregnant with Iris it felt like a bit of a slap in the face and Polly had apologised over and over again to Rhiannon and Gus.

"Iris is a superstar."

"I love Iris. I just wish Mom got to see your baby."

"So do I Monkey."

"Do you want a boy or a girl?"

"I'm not sure. Some days I think it is a girl and then some days I think I would like a boy. What about you?"

"I don't know. If you have a girl will you call it Polly?"

"Oh Monkey, I don't know. There is only one Polly in this family and I miss her so much."

"She would love it. Or if it's a boy you can call it Sam."

"We'll see Mae." It was certainly something that Gus had thought about but hadn't discussed it with Rhiannon yet. He wasn't sure he wanted to name his child after his sister, Polly would probably hate it, she had a thing about giving children their own identity and it would also be a painful reminder of the fact that Polly wasn't ever going to meet his new child. Now that Mae was asking him he started to worry that it was going to be expected.

"Gus, I hope Rhiannon doesn't have the baby in the car this time." Mae still loved to talk about how Rhiannon gave birth on the side of the road while they were all in the back seat.

"Me too."

"I mean, Mom won't be there to help this time."

"Whatever will we do?"

"Perhaps you can be there this time."

"I hope so Mae." He pulled her up off the bed. "I can't wait to see you with your new cousin. I think my baby is going to be one lucky little bub. They've got all these awesome cousins to grow up with."

"It's very exciting." She stopped suddenly. "That's okay isn't it? To be excited?"

"It is Mae, imagine how excited Mom would be right now? She'd be jumping up and down and screaming, hugging everyone in sight."

Gus was surprised to see Iris playing happily with Alfie and Viv when they came downstairs. Usually she was two foot up Kim's backside when Viv was around but it was nice to see them playing and Kim was fussing over Rhiannon which made him smile. She wasn't allowed to lift a finger and Kim had plied her with a million questions already. Lola was helping, her mother hen skills were obviously transferable and she was helping her grandmother smother Rhiannon with love and attention.

His Mom looked happy, he worried about her lately and how much this was all taking it out of her. Not that he expected anything less, nobody wanted those kids to be anywhere else than with his parents and as his Dad had told him taking care of the kids was probably the only thing that was keeping her from completely falling apart.

Adam was watching them, he was watching his wife and nothing else mattered right now but how happy she was. He knew, later on she would probably crash a little, she would falter and cry, hopefully in his arms. Not that he wanted to see her cry but she did cry and as long as she cried in his arms then he was okay with that, he never wanted her to cry alone. She looked beautiful and for the first time in almost two months the smile reached the very corner of her eyes.

This baby was just what this family needed. Maybe that's why it took so long, it was waiting for the right moment. It was waiting to save them.

It was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.


	8. The Crash

Adam's walls came crashing down. They knew it was going to happen at some point and they were waiting for it. He was wound tight and trying to be everything to everyone, never slowing down, never saying no, never giving up and always picking up the pieces when everyone else fell but his foundation was crumbling. Kim found him sitting on the edge of their bed and he was shaking while trying to do up his cufflinks.

"Baby?" Kim called out to him but he didn't seem to hear. "Adam, Baby." When he finally looked up Kim could see the devastation on his face and she dropped down on her knees in front of her husband. "Oh Baby." She cradled his face.

"I can't do this."

"Yes you can." Quietly she took cufflinks from his hands and then bent down and kissed his hands. "Oh Baby, let go."

"I should've protected her, I shouldn't have let her go. She should be here, tonight should be her night."

"It is her night."

"No it's not, because she's not here."

"Adam, look at me." The pain in his eyes took her breath away. "This is not your fault. Nothing we could have done would have changed the outcome."

"We could have said no, not let them go away."

"Don't, don't do this Baby." They had talked about this before. You couldn't do 'what if's' because they never worked. _'What if we said no? Would they have gone anyway? What if they had the kids with them? What if they were in the car too?'_ They couldn't change what happened, no matter how many what if's or bargains you tried to made.

"I miss her Kim, I miss Polly, and I feel broken inside." The sob came from deep within.

"Of course you do, she was part of you. You were the most amazing Dad, you still are. I'm glad I chose you to be the father of both my children. They are incredible humans." Kim had to keep reminding him that he still had a son some days because he seemed to lose that when he got caught up in Polly. "Polly and Gus are incredible humans. Gus continues to amaze me everyday."

"No, she's dead Kim. She's not an incredible human, she's dead." He lashed out at Kim and pushed her away. "She's not fucking here and I can't handle it anymore."

"Don't Adam." Kim begged him. "Please don't say that, she is beautiful and incredible and she lives on in you and me and those four gorgeous children. I know your heart hurts everyday." Kim kissed his hands again. "I feel your heart hurting everyday. I see it."

"When does it stop?"

"It's never going to stop but you and I will do it together, okay?" She waited until he nodded. "I am grateful that I have you beside me through this nightmare. I am grateful for you."

"I'm sorry." Adam brushed the tears from his eyes and kissed his wife softly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay Baby."

He took a deep breath. "You look beautiful by the way." Kim was already dressed, she was wearing blue and he knew why and that bought about a sweet sensation and an all encompassing pain.

"So do you."

"Yeah right?" Kim reached for his hand and slipped the cufflinks into place. There was always going to be a trigger and this was Adam's. Polly had given him those cufflinks; she had made them in High School and given them to him as a birthday present when she was thirteen. Adam didn't wear them often, mainly because he didn't wear suits all that much but he had worn them at Polly's wedding, he always wore them at her ball and he had worn them at her funeral. Tonight was the first time since then and Kim was a little surprised that he got them out.

"You are your most beautiful when you are a Dad." Kim ran her fingers over the cufflinks. "I remember the night she was born, like it was yesterday. You were so happy it was a girl, you kept telling me how perfect she was. Ten little fingers, ten little toes…"

"…and no little hose. Our little girl." It spilled out of him, the tears, the angst, the months of pain and heartache. "I've never felt a love like that. I didn't know it existed."

"It was overwhelming."

"I was terrified I'd fuck her up."

"We had her for 43 years, I never regretted one single moment of our time with Polly. I remember telling her the day she got married that I loved every single breath she took and I've adored every single breath you've taken as a father." Kim ran her hand over his cheek, dragging her fingers over his slight grey stubble. "Every breath you still take as a father and a grandfather…" her kiss was soft. "…and as a husband and a man. I love you Adam."

"You are perfect." He whispered.

They tried to embrace the night. It was all Polly and that's they way Sam would have wanted it. For him this night was always just about Polly and he always stood back and loved watching her shine. He fell in love with her here, or more in love with her anyway and knew after that first night that they had something special, something worth fighting for. Every year he celebrated the fact that an incredible woman had done all this and that woman was the love of his life, his wife.

They'd gone every year even when Polly was away and stood in for her but this night was different, they weren't just standing in for her anymore, they were honouring her. Heidi and Andrew came along while Hudson stayed home with the kids, it was too soon to leave them with a babysitter and Gus and Rhiannon also had a rare night out without Vivienne.

Alex had invited them and before they arrived at the dinner he spoke briefly to the audience. He explained that Polly's family would soon be joining them and he asked that they respect their privacy. While they appreciated people's well wishes they had requested that people didn't ask them about Polly and Sam's children. Adam had called him up and made the request without Kim's knowledge. Sam and Polly preferred to keep the children private, they were never photographed for publicity and Sam never showed their faces on his blog. He didn't even use their real names. Their names were out there now and people did want to know how they were going, it was only natural but they felt uncomfortable letting them be the face of this tragedy.

Alex knew Adam would talk about the children in his speech and hoped that will be enough to satisfy the curiosity. The reality of it was he was desperate to protect Kim, she found it difficult to manage. They didn't need people that they didn't know constantly asking them about their grandchildren. There was not a lot they could or would say, ' _they are doing fine, thank you'_ it was relentless and didn't get any easier the more they talked about it.

Kim watched him talk; he amazed her daily. Still after all these years he did something everyday that surprised her. She loved him more and more everyday. How could she not? He was an incredible man with an incredible heart.

 _I know I have been here before. I stood here on behalf of my daughter for the past few years and tonight I still am here on behalf of Polly and also on behalf of her brother Angus and his wife Rhiannon, Sam's sister Heidi, his brother Andrew and Andrew's husband Dylan and with Kim my beautiful wife and the mother of my two beautiful children. She's also known as 'Hot Nan' FYI, by me anyway. She's MiMi to everyone else._

 _Usually I talk about how Abbey's death provided the catalyst for this night, all those years ago. Sixteen years ago Polly held her first fundraising dinner and we struggled to sell two hundred tickets, tonight I look out at 1200 people and it's a bit overwhelming I can tell you, overwhelming and absolutely amazing._

 _Tonight I want to tell you about the other side of the story. Polly's side._

 _What Abbey went through changed her, in ways that we can only imagine. It also changed my daughter. Watching her best friend fall apart, day by day was hard. Watching our daughter fall apart day by day was terrifying. And she did fall apart and then she got up one day and she got knocked down again and got up again and again._

 _Polly's strength was born through that experience._

 _Her strength was born when Abbey ran off the rails, the day the crap hit the fan and despite knowing that she had to be home by a certain time she stayed out until she found her friend and made sure she went home in one piece, and it was reinforced the night she received Abbey's suicide note via text message, when she turned up every single day at the hospital, when Abbey went home and when Polly was with her when she went back to school. Her strength faltered, she was young but it never gave out all together. We were proud of her; terrified for her and proud of her._

 _Someone was standing beside her through it all, her first boyfriend. Sam. He was always beside her, even on that very last day._

 _But she was strong, she followed her heart, she made her dreams come true, she made our dreams come true. Her determination to make Abbey's life mean something was impressive and she did. Abbey's life meant something and so did Polly's. Her life meant something; she left a legacy of this night, her programs that teach school children how to be resilient and be the face of a hero to someone in need and more importantly she left the legacy of her children. She may not have changed the world but she certainly changed her corner of it. Her motto was 'be that person.' – that person who picks someone up who needs it, that person who steps in to help someone who can't help themselves, be that person who helps those who are helping others._

 _My grandson was being bullied at school recently. He was the new kid, he was quiet, he had a strange little accent having grown up in Australia and he was sad and that made him a target and he struggled to fight against it. He had the heart of lion, the heart of his father and stood up to those bullies but they kept coming._

 _His sister, well she's got the spirit of her mother flowing through her veins, she was feisty from the day she was born and she helped a little boy struggling to help himself. Sure, I had to go deal with the Principal but it bought back memories of when Polly stood up for someone who couldn't stand up for herself, the day Polly stood up for Abbey. But I have never been prouder of those kids that day, like I was proud of their mother._

 _I never thought in a million years that a heart could break like mine broke. In all my years as a cop I sat across from people and broke their hearts, I broke the hearts of mothers and fathers and brother and sisters but I never thought I'd have to break my wife's heart. I tore the hearts of four beautiful children in half and we are trying to put them back together._

 _Polly and Sam had a love that would last their lifetime. It will last their children's lifetime. They created a world for them that was loving, supportive, fun, exciting, educational, interesting and showed them that belief in yourself, hard work, love, passion and courage are all you need. They chased their dreams, they loved each other and let it go and when the time was right they fell in love again. They built a life together and had dreams beyond this nightmare that we are now living._

 _Polly and Sam showed their children what loved looked like. I like to think they learnt some of that from us, because I can tell you I love my wife, with her broken heart and all. Sam's parents taught him about love. I loved my daughter, Sam's family loved him and we all loved them together._

 _Thank you for supporting Polly's dreams, you don't need to be the person who stands up and fights for someone who is struggling to fight for themselves, not everyone can be that person but you can be that person who supports the ones that can. That's what you are doing here tonight and that makes you just as important to Polly as anyone else. Bring what you can to the table, do your bit to change your corner of the world._

 _On a personal note, yes I know this whole speech has been personal but from Polly and Sam's heartbroken family…thank you for believing in our daughter's dream as much as we did. Our grandchildren are doing well, they have good days and bad days but they are together and they are loved beyond all reason._

 _Lola gave me a message to share with you. 'My Mom and Dad were our whole world. They loved us, laughed with us, taught us and made us feel special. They showed us how beautiful the world was and how there were good people waiting to do good things for people they didn't even know. They told us we could be whoever we wanted to be and that they would still love us. They laughed at our crazy but never wanted us to change. They made us feel like we mattered to them and that we had made them happy and proud. We love them with all our hearts, we miss them everyday and not a day goes by that we don't wait for them to come home.'_

 _So for Charlotte, Mabel, Alfred and Iris Ruzek Hollister….please never give up making someone else's life better, or making your corner of the world a better place for someone who needs it and for the next generation._

 _Thank you for helping us keep Polly's dream alive._

Adam's voice was steady, he didn't waiver, he spoke from his heart only pulling out Lola's note to read and Kim was mesmerized. This wasn't the same man who just a few hours ago couldn't put his cufflinks on because he was so desperately broken.

Despite that not one person was left in any doubt of how much he was hurting because it was written on his face. It was in his shaking hands as he reached for Kim's and pulled her into his arms. "I'm so proud of you. No wonder Polly was an amazing woman, she had you as her father." Kim whispered in his ear and everyone gave them a moment.

"She had us."

They were overwhelmed when Alex announced that BraveHearts had set up a scholarship in Polly's name. The Polly Ruzek Hollister Scholarship would support young women and men who are trying to turn their lives around after suffering abuse and were trying to change their part of the world. Young people like Abbey. They would work for BraveHearts in programs designed to help build resilience, build networks and develop the skills to help them take the next steps into the world.

Initially the scholarship was funded by the generous donations that had been made in Polly and Sam's memory. They had requested that if people felt the need to send flowers or gifts to the children that those donations went to either BraveHearts or the Perth Open Range Zoo Foundation, which had set up the MACI Foundation in Sam's name. They were hoping to find a permanent sponsor for the scholarship in the not too distant future and were hoping that tonight might help.

"Dance with me?" Adam held out his hand.

It felt nice to be in his arms. Life hadn't been easy for them lately; it had been the hardest thing they had ever done. Raising two children, having dangerous jobs, losing their baby had pushed them to the edge on several occasions. Over the years they had drifted together and apart, not too far that they lost touch with each other but just far enough to make them stop and think if it was what they wanted anymore and the answer was always yes. They always stepped back towards each other and they wouldn't have contemplated not being together but it wasn't easy.

Nothing compared to losing their daughter though, that beautiful baby who grew into a stunning woman. Who had filled their hearts and souls with joy and gave them four beautiful grandchildren who they adored. They missed her, every single day.

They didn't talk; they just danced. Kim felt safe here, Adam had always made her feel safe, he'd always protected her, provided shelter from the harsh world, and he made her laugh and cry. He loved her for all her grace and beauty and faults. He loved her at her worst and at her best. He didn't remember not loving her and he didn't want too.

He loved her with all her broken pieces.

"Can I cut in?" Gus tapped his Dad on his shoulder. "I've got an awesome dance partner for you. She's a little slow and awkward."

"Bring me your woman." He stepped aside and swept his daughter-in-law from his son's hands. Briefly he watched Kim dance with her son. Kim as a mother was his favourite version of her and for so long he had watched her be a mother and a grandmother and been enthralled. She never looked more beautiful than when she had her children in her arms. Right now she looked beautiful and almost happy. Almost.

He turned his attention to his daughter-in-law. "You're not slow and awkward, it's a pity Gus didn't get my dancing genes."

Rhiannon laughed. She never thought she'd be lucky enough to meet someone and have a family like this. They had embraced her from the start and she felt part of them. It had drifted a little lately with all that was going on and in the early days after Polly and Sam's accident it was hard. Gus spent a lot of time with his parents and Polly's children. He was devastated by his sister's death and then became obsessed with making sure all their financial needs were sorted. For Rhiannon, being in the early stages of a much-wanted pregnancy just made things more difficult.

That was behind them now and she felt more comfortable and Gus had turned a corner. Viv had missed her grandparents and the kids had made things hard for her in those initial few weeks and she couldn't blame them. Their whole world was torn apart and they clung to their MiMi and Pops. Viv was six though and didn't understand why everything had suddenly changed for her.

"I wished he had. He's got two left feet."

"I tried, but he preferred baseball to ballet." Adam spun her around slowly. "Lucky he got some other good genes from me."

"Lucky for me." Rhiannon grabbed Adam's hand and rested it on her sizeable bump and he felt the baby kicking.

A smile lit up his face, he looked happy. "Wowsers GS2 is liking this dancing thing."

"Grandson 2 right?"

Adam through his head back and whooped for joy. "I always knew you were a smart woman, a perfect fit for this motely crew."

"You spoke beautifully."

Suddenly it changed and he looked a little wistful. "It's weird, it's the hardest things I've ever had a deal with, its this never-ending pain yet talking about Polly is easy. Does that make sense?"

"It does." Rhiannon stood on her tiptoes and kissed her father-in-law on the cheek. "It does."

"Now, has Gus talked to you about little Adam junior in here?" He patted her stomach again and changed the subject. He felt himself circling the grief drain lately and it scared him.

"He may have mentioned once or twice that you would try your luck."

"Neither of my kids showed me any respect." He laughed and spun Rhiannon away from him again. "I can't wait to meet him."

"What if it's another girl?"

"Then this Pops is one lucky man. I mean look at my harem, it's fucking spectacular." While everyone would love another little boy if it was a girl, and this family knew how to make girls, they would love it like no other.

It was a big night in more ways than one. It was Kim and Adam's first night away from the kids. They were staying at home with Hudson and Heidi would stay there with them while Kim and Adam had a night in a hotel. They thought they deserved it, not once had they faltered in the last few months and they had been there for the kids every single day. It took a lot of convincing and the kids weren't impressed. Mae and Alfie struggled the most; Lola thought it was a nice idea and did her best to calm the other two down. Iris was okay however they were bracing for a shit fight when she woke up in the morning and her MiMi and Pops weren't there.

"This feels a bit weird?" Kim held onto Adam's hand as the elevator took them up to their floor.

"I don't feel weird. I feel just a little bit excited."

Adam opened the door and let Kim in first. The room was beautiful; the views over Chicago were stunning. A huge bed dominated the room, taking in the sweet view of the down town lights. It was the city that they had bled on, protected and fought for but right now it seemed so small and insignificant. Kim stood at the window in the darkened room. "Beautiful." Adam whispered.

"It is isn't it?"

"Not the view, you." Sliding his arms around her waist he leant his chin on her shoulder. "You are more beautiful every day. I'm glad I've spent the past 45 years loving you."

"So long, yet so quick." Kim felt for the necklace. Adam had been surprised when she came downstairs wearing it, a few times lately he had found Kim holding it in her hands but she had never worn it. Adam rested his hand over hers and started swaying lightly.

Then he started to sing softly in her ear…

 _The way you soothe me when I'm in pain  
The way you make the blood rush in my veins  
The way the winds rush through the trees  
Well hey, that's the way you belong to me_

Kim closed her eyes, held his hand over her heart and leaned back against her husband and let it wash over her. The tears streamed down her face and she didn't stop them, the feeling of Adam's tears on her shoulder bought her comfort and more than just a little pain.

"You remembered?"

"I've never forgotten that day. It was perfect." Even to this day they never regretted their wedding. They didn't regret waiting until after Polly was born, they didn't regret the party in the backyard with their closest friends and family. It felt right and it felt like them.

"You are perfect."

"Darlin', I'm perfect for you, that's all." He spun her around in his arms and kissed her tear stained cheeks. "Tonight I want to pretend that nothing has changed."

"Well one thing hasn't changed." Kim placed a hand over his heart. "This…" bending down slightly she kissed his chest, breathing him all in. "…your heart."

"Nope…it still beats for you."

Kim rolled over to snuggle into Adam but the bed was empty. Adjusting her eyes to the gloom she spotted him sitting by the window staring out over the Chicago skyline. Quietly she slipped out of bed and the moment she laid her hand on his bare back he crashed, all his walls came down and her husband broke.

All his pain and grief and heartache spilled out in deep guttural sobs. He was in agony and all Kim could so was hold on. His tears ran down her chest as she cradled his head close to her heart. "Let it out Baby."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That I can't do this."

Kim was starting to panic. Adam didn't often get this way. The last time he was so scared and frightened was when Abbey died and they didn't know what was going to happen with Polly. They were scared for her and Adam had been so determined to be there for her all through the whole tumultuous months that he finally cracked. It felt like he was there again. "Adam, can't do what?"

"Keep pretending that I am okay, I'm not okay. I miss her Kim, I miss them and I don't want to look at those kids anymore and see their broken hearts. I don't want to pretend that everything is going to be okay."

"We can get through this together."

Adam hadn't even looked at her, he was still just staring out the window but she knew he appreciated her slow and steady touch as she held and stroked his neck. "I am so fucking angry at her, at Sam and I hate myself for that." Kim had been there herself, the anger was part of the process. There was no point even trying to interrupt him, Adam had to get it out. Otherwise it was always going to fester inside him and destroy him. "What sort of person hates their daughter for dying? I blame Sam and that is fucking bullshit. I sit and tell those kids it wasn't his fault and then I realise that maybe it was."

"You tell those kids it wasn't Sam's fault because it wasn't and I know you know that."

"Yeah?" he nodded sadly. "Still fucking hurts though Kim."

"I don't think it is ever going to not hurt." Kim kissed his bare shoulder. "He would have done anything for her, if there was a remote chance he could have saved her he would have, even if it meant that he didn't survive. Sam would have saved Polly if he could."

Adam suddenly snapped and pushed her away. "Don't." The word came out twisted and angry. "Don't touch me. I hate this."

"Adam, Baby." Kim came right back for more. She wasn't scared of him despite his obvious anger at the moment but she was terrified for him. "Adam, please just breathe. Look at me." He ignored her. "Adam look at me."

The look on his face was indescribable. It was pained look she had never seen before and Kim's insides were scrambled but she had to stay calm. "You loved Polly, you always will. You don't hate her, you don't hate Sam, but please don't hate me and more than anything please don't hate yourself."

"I don't hate you."

"I need you."

"No you don't. You are doing fine."

"I am not fine, not even close but I am trying. Charlotte, Mabel, Alfred and Iris need me to try, they need you too."

"What if I fail?"

"I always remember Polly telling me that when Sam came back that they decided they had to try and even if they failed that's better than giving up without a fight. They had to try and we have to try because what are our choices? Leave our daughter's children to twist in the wind?"

"No, but you know one day we won't be here anymore and that's just more people they've lost."

"Adam, please stop this. This is life and yes it is fucked. They shouldn't be without Polly and Sam but they are and we can't change that, you can't rewrite the past. Now they have us and I for one am not sitting around wondering if tomorrow is my last day. I can't do it and I won't do it."

"I wish I had your strength."

"Adam, you do. Today is not great for you; tomorrow will be better. You miss them hey?" Kim curled her hand through his and bought his fingers up to her lips and kissed them.

"Kim..." She knew he thought she was talking about Polly and Sam but she wasn't. He was struggling being away from the kids. His need to protect them now had a powerful grip on him. This was the first time they were away from them overnight and Adam wasn't coping with that at all. She knew him that well.

"No, you miss our little mob."

Adam pulled her into his lap. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" Kim snuggled into his neck.

"Know what I am thinking, what I need?"

"Because, you said it before. I've loved you for 45 years, all of you. I know you, I know how you breathe, how you think, how your heart beats. I know you Adam and I love you."


	9. Happy Birthday

"Mom. Are you busy?"

Kim was finally sitting down. It had been a busy day, even though the kids were all at school they needed to move some furniture around. Lola was getting her own room 'finally' and so did Mae. Iris and Alfie were continuing to share and that was Alfie's choice. He wasn't ready to sleep in a room by himself or let his little sister go. As a trade off they got the biggest room, which also happened to be their Mom's old room which also caused some friction. Mae particularly didn't like that piece of information and protested loudly. Her other choice was to share with Alfie and that put an end to the whinging. It was 'nasty' according to her to share a room with a boy.

"I'm enjoying a quiet cuppa while your Dad picks the mob up from school, he's taken them shopping apparently for my birthday present." Gus laughed as he imagined his Dad shopping with those four. "He's whinging."

"He always whinges. So you are sitting down…" He paused. "…I have an early birthday present for you." He waited for some response from his mother but got nothing. "A new grandson."

"Wait, what?" She sat bolt upright. "You've had the baby. It's not due yet. Are they okay? How's Rhiannon? What happened?" He now had his mother's undivided attention. The baby wasn't due for another two weeks and Kim had joked that she would love to have a baby for her birthday in a few days times but it was still a surprise. It was her first birthday without Polly and they were trying to make her happy and forget about what she was missing out on by showing her everything she still had. A new baby would do that.

"Hold up. One at a time. About an hour ago, as only Rhiannon can do it was a short labour but we made it to hospital, just. He's beautiful Mom, 7lbs 10ozs, he's perfect. They are both really good, really good." Gus sounded so happy. Missing Vivienne's birth had always niggled away at him, like he knew it niggled at his brother-in-law that he missed Mae's birth. It was a moment in time that you'd never get back.

"That's wonderful Gus, I'm so happy, I'm happy for you." His Mom was getting more emotional by the minute. "Congratulations. Does he have a name?"

"Not yet."

"Oh, another little boy. I'm so excited." Gus was waiting for it and Kim delivered in spades. She burst into tears. The year had been such an emotional rollercoaster and the troughs had been deep and they had struggled and she was tired, exhausted actually and the only thing that was getting her through at the moment was the thought of a new baby to love. And now he was here. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay Mom. Will you come and meet him?"

"I can't wait. Give him a big kiss from his MiMi and give Rhiannon one too. Hey how's Viv taking the news, is she happy?"

"She is, she wanted a brother, this week anyway. Something about being lucky like Iris to have a brother. Although he is going to be a little brother not a big one she told me a couple of days ago. Rhiannon's Dad is bringing her in now."

"Do you want me to leave the kids with Heidi?" There was no way Kim wasn't going to see her new grandson as soon as Adam got home.

"Yeah, is that okay? Just today, Rhiannon's tired. I want you and Dad to meet him first." He didn't want to add the rest but he guessed his mom knew, that's why she asked. They wanted today to about their baby, about his family.

Gus had done it tough too. He missed his sister and had watched his parents become consumed by Polly's kids and that was okay because they needed all the love and support in the world. Sometimes though he felt that Vivienne missed out on her grandparents attention, while they were living overseas Vivienne was the centre of their world and she struggled a little being pushed to the side once Polly and Sam had the accident.

It was selfish of him and he struggled with it and Rhiannon was amazingly patient with him while he dealt with his grief and anger. He had gone from being their son to Polly's brother, it was a label that never bothered him in the past but it was all he was now and that was a hard thing to get past. It was unusual circumstances and everyone was doing their best and Vivienne had started spending more and more time with her grandparents lately, especially as Rhiannon got later into her pregnancy. Viv and Alfie got on well, there was only a year between them in age. Iris loved her and was always excited to see her and followed her around and asked a million questions and the more the kids enjoyed being together the more Gus relaxed.

She called Adam and he barely got the chance to say hello. "How long are you going to be?"

"Not sure. Knowing this mob it could be hours. They are fucking clueless." He muttered as he watched Lola and Iris dithering over what 'flavour' soap Iris wanted to buy for MiMi. "What's up?"

"Gus called. It's a boy." She squealed.

"What's a boy?"

"Our grandson, our new little grandson."

"Oh." Adam took a shaky breath. He was surprised how it had suddenly overwhelmed him.

Kim was bursting at the seams and if Adam was going to take too long she'd go without him. "An hour or so ago, and they are all really good, no name yet. They want us to come and meet him and I want to go so you need to hurry up."

"I can meet you at the hospital."

"Can you drop the kids off at Heidi's? I'll call her, she'll be happy to look after them. I'll see you at Heidi's in half an hour." Kim was impatient. "Hurry up."

"Okay." Gus had talked to Adam about how he was feeling about all the time they had to spend with Polly's kids. He actually admired them and was proud of the way his parents stepped up but he felt a little pushed out and he really wanted them to enjoy their new grandchild and just be grandparents for a while. "I will try and herd these cats into the car. Hey, congratulations hot Nan."

"Baby, just hurry up." Kim didn't have time to talk to him, she hung up abruptly.

The first thing Adam did was ring his son. "Wow Gus, congratulations Dad. Welcome to the life of being a Dad to a boy."

"Thanks Dad. It's pretty amazing. I can't stop looking at him. I can't believe he is here and it's a boy. This family loves popping out girls."

"This is nothing like raising girls I can tell you. I'm so happy for you. How's Rhiannon?"

"She's good, a bit tired but still on a high."

"Give her a hug and a kiss from me and your Mom and I will be there soon."

"Have you told the mob?" That's what they all called them, they had started calling them that a long time ago and it had stuck. They were like a rolling maul.

"Not yet, they are too busy doing shit knows what. And I wanted to talk to you first. This is a big day for you Bud, I love you and wanted to tell you that, I want you to know that."

"Thanks Dad."

"And anyway Lola and Iris are too busy arguing over whether the strawberry soap is pretty enough for MiMi, I think Iris is winning and Alfie and Mae are discussing if a 10000 piece jigsaw puzzle is big enough. Fuck knows when MiMi will get time to do a jigsaw puzzle but they are happy." Adam groaned. "I hate fucking shopping with kids."

"I can't wait."

"I can't wait to see my new boy, and my Viv." Adam really wanted Gus to know how excited he was. His son was important to him, more so than ever now. "I'm proud of you Angus. I love you Bud."

"Love you too Dad. See you soon."

The kids were disappointed that they didn't get to go and see the baby and they promised to take them in tomorrow to meet their new cousin. They explained that Rhiannon was tired after having the baby and because it was late afternoon they only allowed grandparents and Viv on the first day.

"Oh my god, he's so beautiful." Kim was beside herself when Gus handed him over for a cuddle. "He's precious." She bent down to kiss his little head. "Thank you sweet sweet boy. You don't know how loved you are, but I will show you. I promise. Look Adam, he looks just like Angus."

Adam was sitting beside her, playing with his grandson's fingers. "He does. I feel old."

"You are old Pops." Vivienne chimed in and they had to laugh. He certainly felt old these days.

"Thank you Darlin'." He sat her up on his lap. It was nice to see them be grandparents for a change. "What are we going to call him?"

"I wanted him to be called Billy Bob but Mom doesn't like it." When Kim looked at Rhiannon she was screwing up her nose. Gus didn't mind it, the Billy part at least but she hated it. Gus had told his mother a little while ago that they wouldn't be naming the baby either Polly or Sam. The kids had hounded them about it constantly and they thought they would put it to bed early. Rhiannon had suggested it and wouldn't have minded but Gus didn't want it at all. Kim agreed with Gus, ' _they need to have their own identity and live their own life. Polly and Sam wouldn't have wanted you to saddled your new baby with that legacy. It's too soon.'_

Mae was disappointed. "Didn't you like them?"

Gus sat down beside Mae and gave her a hug. "Monkey Mae, I love them like crazy. I still do. There is only one Polly in my life, she was my sister and there was only one Sam. Like there is only one Mabel."

"I wanted them to call Iris 'Mabels' so we could have two Mabels."

"Nope, no way. There is only one Mabel Ruzek Hollister and we love her like, really madly." He kissed her cheek. "Do you want to write us a list?"

"No." she said flatly. She didn't do that anymore. Her Dad loved her lists and Mae was adamant that it was only something she did for her Mom and Dad.

Kim reluctantly handed the little boy to Adam for a cuddle. "Wow, little man. I forgot how little you guys are. Your Daddy was a pain in our ass, make sure you give him grief." Gus loved how happy his parents looked and Rhiannon reached for his hand and held onto it tightly. "MiMi and Pops love you so much." He was the spitting image of Gus when he was born, just a little bigger but it was so long ago it was hard to remember. His hair was dark like his Daddy's and his hand was up near his face like Gus always did. "Welcome to this crazy world Adam junior."

"No." Kim warned him. "Just no."

"Don't listen to your MiMi. Adam is a good name, she loves me, imagine how much she'd love you if you were called Adam Junior."

"Ahhh, Dad." Gus shook his head.

Kim and Adam could have stayed all night, cuddling their little boy, hugging his big sister and enjoying the company of their son and his wife. Life, for a brief moment felt normal. This was how their life was supposed to be now. Happy, relaxed, indulgent. They wanted to travel, to spoil their grandkids, have dinner with whoever they wanted, whenever they wanted and do all the things they should have done before they had their family. They didn't regret a single moment of their life together. If only they could turn back the clock and change one thing.

That Day.


	10. We Did Good

Kim and Adam offered to take Vivienne home with them just to give Gus and Rhiannon a chance to catch their breath and spend some time with their new little boy. She was a little torn, she wanted to stay with the her parents and her brother but she also wanted to tell her cousins about him so she ended up going when they promised her that they would get her favourite dinner on the way home. It was going to be pizza night.

"Your Mom and Dad looked happy? That was really nice." Rhiannon was cuddling her son when Gus came back from walking them down to their car.

"They are happy. They are over the moon." He sat up next to his wife and played with his son's foot as it poked out of the blanket. "As am I."

"He's beautiful isn't he?" Rhiannon was besotted with him. The instant they lay him on her chest she felt an overwhelming love for him. He had such a burden to carry, he was the start of the healing process of this family and she felt protective of him. "Like his Daddy."

"Awww shucks."

"You wish Polly was here."

"Not today Darlin'." If Sam refused to call Polly Darlin' because it was a Ruzek thing, Gus always called Rhiannon Darlin' for that same reason. "Today is about you and my boy."

"Gus, it's okay."

"Not today." He was adamant he didn't want to talk about his sister today, not that he didn't miss her and love her but it was just too hard and this was a good day, he wanted it to be a good day. His parents hadn't mentioned her and focussed on Viv and the baby and he liked that. It made him feel like shit some days when he wanted to yell, 'what about me' but he never did. Whether they knew or not he had no idea but today they made it about him.

His Dad sent him a photo. It was of MiMi and Viv sitting up eating pizza. _'My hot dinner dates.'_ Rhiannon could see how much Gus appreciated that photo. He thought they were going home to have pizza with all the kids but instead they had stopped and just had dinner with Viv and it was perfect. His parent's continued to blow him away, they didn't always get it right but they got it right more times than not.

"They are trying Gus."

"I know. Hey…" he stroked the little boy's soft cheek, desperate to change the subject. "What should we call you?"

They spent the next hour trying to find a name for their little boy. It was tougher than they thought. Vivienne had come to them pretty easily but even then they struggled with boys names. Finally they agreed on something but decided to sleep on it over night. Gus was going to bring Viv in to visit in the morning and they wanted her to know first, she had wanted a brother for so long and she was so excited.

While Rhiannon dozed off Gus sat and talked to his son. "This is the deal now my little man. Daddy loves you so much, Mommy is just off the charts in love with you. You have this crazy beautiful sister, some days you'll like her, some days you won't but you will always love her. Having a big sister is awesome, I loved it, I miss it so much." As much as he tried he couldn't stop the thoughts of Polly invading his thoughts.

He took a deep breath as he felt the tears building up, unchecked he let them spill out. "I wish she was here to meet you. She would be beside herself, I'd never get you back. This is all she wanted for me. She wanted me to be as happy as she was, and I am. She was a pain in my ass when we were growing up but she always had my back and she kept looking out for me until I met my soulmate. When I met you Mom she was so happy and she loved your sister so much. Vivienne will always have your back and I want you to always have hers. If we are not here to help you, help each other. I love you so much, you have fixed a little bit of that hole in my heart. Welcome to our world." He lifted his son up and kissed his soft dark hair. "Mom and I can't wait to watch you grow."

Angus reluctantly left to pick up Viv and take her home to bed. She was asleep and MiMi was upstairs with her when he got there so his Dad poured him a drink. "To my Son, and his son." Adam held up his glass.

"Thanks Dad."

"How are they?"

"Good, he'd just had another feed before I left so they were both sleeping. The Doctor came by and he's really happy with Rhiannon. The Paed just needs to clear him again tomorrow and we might come home."

Adam watched as Gus just stared at the bottom of his glass. "What's up Gus?"

"Nothing. I just really miss her Dad. She'd be so happy today. I can't stop thinking about her. Rhiannon, Viv and my little boy are my whole world and I am so happy but there is this little part of me that is just sad. I think of Lola, Mae, Alfie and Iris and I can't imagine not being around for Viv and Charlie, I can't imagine not seeing them grow up. I can't imagine not sitting here with them in twenty, thirty, forty years time having a drink with them when their babies are born. I can't imagine not seeing them fall in love, get married and just fucking live."

Adam heard his slip of the tongue. He had told him Mom that they hadn't chosen a name yet, they were still deciding but he had let it slip so Adam ignored it until Gus was ready to tell them. The rest, he could barely answer. "I know."

"How do you do it?"

"What? Get up everyday and not hurt? Not get angry or sad? I don't Gus." Adam voice quivered and he took a quick sip give him a moment to steady himself. "I hate every single minute of it but those four kids need us to get up and not be angry or sad or hurt and just love them and hold them and keep them safe. I get up and live this fucking life without Polly because I have no other choice."

"I hate being angry at her, for leaving and for taking away your life as grandparents. I hate her sometimes because it's changed Viv's life too and that's selfish."

"No it's not. I hate her some days too but I don't stop loving her or missing her. You know what, apart from holding that little boy today, your Mom loved today because we spent time with Viv and we were so happy. We feel bad some days that she doesn't get the attention she deserves and we want to try and change that." Adam swallowed that rest of his glass. "We love her just as much, we adore her and you know what, sitting having dinner with Viv today and listening to her talk about her little brother, it was nice you know because for once we weren't sitting looking at kids and wondering how to fix their broken hearts or looking at them and feeling sorry for them because they are growing up without their parents. It was just us and Viv and she was so happy and we loved it, every single minute of it."

"That photo you sent. We loved it."

"Not as much as I loved taking it I can tell you. Those two own my ass." Adam really wanted him to know how much today meant to them. Gus tipped his glass at his Dad.

"I heard someone call them the poor orphans the other day, man that hurts."

"Like being kicked in the balls every single time." Adam topped up their glasses. "Anyway, I'm proud of you Angus. Congratulations on your little guy, being a father to a boy is the best feeling in the world. Totally different from being a Dad to Viv I can tell you. I hope you get a son who is as awesome as mine is."

Adam hugged his son, he held him tight and told him he loved him.

When he went up to get Viv he sat and talked to his Mom for a few minutes filling her in on all the finer details of her new grandson, not that she hadn't heard them already before scooping up Viv and taking her home to sleep in her own bed. He would have stayed, like he had done in the past but they had a full house these days and there wasn't much room for anyone else.

It was nice waking up with just Viv too. They sat up in bed and called Rhiannon. "Hi Mommy. I missed you, I slept with Daddy last night."

"Well aren't you lucky. How is Daddy this morning?"

"He's good. We are going to have breakfast and then come in and see you. Is my brother still there?"

"He is, do you want to see him?" Rhiannon turned the camera around and showed her the sleeping baby. "He's been a good boy."

"MiMi and Pops are very excited. Pops thinks he's handsome like he is."

"I think he's handsome like Daddy."

"Me too."

Gus only got a few minutes to talk to Rhiannon. They had both had a good night, he was feeding well and sleeping when he should. They knew it was a false dawn, once he had had recovered from his rapid entrance a sleep routine would go out the window. Viv had been an angel for a week and then it went to hell in a hand basket and they had months of shitty sleep. It was no secret they were hoping that this one was polar opposites.

Once they got into the hospital Rhiannon was waiting for them. They had been given a clean bill of health and she wanted to go home and start living as a family of four. He called his Mom and Dad and asked them to come over and formally meet their little boy and to bring the kids.

"His name is Charlie." Vivienne blurted out as soon as her MiMi and Pops arrived. She had literally been bursting at the seams since they had told her that she could announce it. "He's my brother Charlie."

"Well, that's that." Gus laughed. "Actually it's Charles…" he watched Charlie's cousins smother him with love, they looked so happy and Vivienne was holding court, making sure he wasn't being hurt. "Charles Samuel Marshall Ruzek."

"Sam? Like my Dad?" Mae squealed.

"Like your Dad." Rhiannon nodded. "We loved your Dad so much and your Mom."

"Really?" Lola was surprised. She'd talked to Rhiannon a few months ago and they had talked about names for the baby and how they didn't think they would use her parents names and she was okay with that, more so than Mae and Alfie were. "That's really nice."

"We really like it." Lola hugged Rhiannon and thanked her.

Gus had been a little surprised when Rhiannon asked him if he wanted to name him Sam. They had been adamant all along that they wouldn't do it but now he was here and it was a few months down the track she was re-considering it. He thought about it and they eventually decided to call him Charles and give him his own personality but his second name would be Sam.

 _'At 1236pm yesterday afternoon our world became a little brighter with the quick and safe arrival of our beautiful little boy Charles Samuel Marshall Ruzek. Rhiannon and Charlie are doing well, Vivienne and I are over the moon._

 _Charlie has bought us all a little light; he has found a little spot in our hearts that needed a new life to love. He's provided us with a reason to smile. Welcome to the world Charlie, you've got a whole mob here ready to love you._

 _To my beautiful wife, I can't describe how I feel today and everyday with you, thank you seems so inadequate but I don't know what else to say. Your love, support, encouragement, your steady heart, calming voice, soothing words, gentle touch over the past few months have meant the world to me. You've picked me up every time I've fallen, I love you Darlin'. Thank you for Vivienne, for Charlie and being the love of my life.'_

It was a sweet photo, Lola was holding Charlie, Viv was sitting on Mae's lap holding her brother's hand and Alfie was cuddling Iris and they were all smiling at the camera. Gus stood next to his Mom and reached for her hand when he noticed the tears in her eyes. "Oh Gus, it's beautiful. Look at them."

"Polly and I did good hey?"

"So good."


	11. It's the most wonderful time of the year

"Charlie." Alfie was lying on the floor next to his cousin. He just loved babies and had adored Iris when she was little. "We are the men, I have to show you how to look after Viv. Being a brother is a hard job, they are a little crazy but…" He was whispering to him and Charlie was just staring at him wide eyed. "…it's a very important job and I will help you."

He was obsessed with Charlie and they figured out by listening to him he was using his little cousin as his counsellor. Things he told Charlie were amusing, sweet and sometimes really heart breaking.

"Next week is Christmas. I loved Christmas but not anymore. I think I miss my Mom and Dad too much right now. I know Pops and MiMi will try really hard to make it fun but it's just not going to be possible." Alfie kissed his little cheek. "But you can have fun, it's your first Christmas. That's special for you. I'll make sure you have a fun day. I bought you a present." Alfie had insisted that he had to buy not only Charlie and present but Viv too and his sisters. He had made Adam take him shopping and was very diligent with his pocket money although he ended up having to ask Adam for some more and Adam couldn't bear to see how devastated he was when he realised he didn't have enough for everyone and told Adam that they can take his present back to the shop for the money so he could get everyone else a present. It was sweet and Adam crumbled like a sandcastle at high tide and topped up his funds.

Adam was watching them, he loved watching his grandsons together. Charlie was such a sweet baby, he was calm and placid and a godsend for Gus and Rhiannon. He was smiling a little now and he certainly had bought a lot of light into their lives.

Rhiannon and Kim had taken the girls out for some shopping and a mani-pedi. They tried to leave Iris with Adam but she wanted to go on the 'girl date' because she didn't want to stay home with the boys. Gus was working so it was just Adam with the two boys and he was in heaven. Charlie had a feed just before they left and Rhiannon had left some milk for him.

"G'day Pops." Alfie noticed Adam watching them, he was obsessed with saying G'day all of a sudden, he was clinging to his Australian accent for as long as possible. "Charlie is talking to me." He was six weeks old and as well as smiling he loved trying to talk and Alfie loved it.

"I can see. What's he talking about?" Adam stretched out on the floor beside his two boys. Alfie was propped up on his elbows with his hands under his chin while Charlie was all arms and legs as he squirmed about on the rug.

"I was teaching him about being a brother."

"Well that is a very important conversation. I don't want to interrupt."

"It's okay Pops." Alfie looked at his Pops sadly. "I wish I had a brother."

"Well you have three pretty awesome sisters, so there is that." Adam reached out and touched his hand. "And you have Charlie Boy here."

"I can't have a brother now can I? I mean if Mom and Dad weren't dead do you think I could have had a brother?"

"Probably not, Mom and Dad couldn't have any more babies and I think you and your sisters were more than enough for them. Instead you've got an awesome little cousin to hang out with and play with and teach all those very important boy things too."

"Like what a penis does?"

"Well yes." Adam almost choked, he remembered all these insane conversations with Polly and Gus when they were growing up and he knew that Sam was always in mid-panic attack when they had to talk about sex and puberty with his kids. He completely wigged out according to Polly. "That is important."

"Don't worry Pops, my Dad told me all about my penis." Alfie told him very matter of fact. "So you don't have to tell me."

"Fantastic."

Thankfully he changed the subject and Adam exhaled. "About Christmas Pops?"

"Hmm." He was tickling Charlie's toes and smiling as he pulled his foot away. "What about it?"

"Can I buy Mom and Dad a present?"

"Sure." Adam didn't know what to say or where Alfie was going with this, sometimes it was hard to figure out and he often took a sharp right turn. "What do you want to buy them?"

"A tree."

"A Christmas tree? We already have a tree?" That had been a bit of a drama. Alfie and Mae didn't want a Christmas tree but Lola did because Iris just loved them and Viv had always helped decorate MiMi and Pops tree. There were tears, tantrums and Mae reverted back to a non-talking day and refused to help but eventually they compromised and got a tree and but it only went up yesterday and would come down the day after Christmas. Mae had since been caught ferretting around under the tree looking at all the presents. Every day a parcel arrived with more gits for the kids from people they knew and even those they didn't know. They were sent to BraveHearts and they dropped them off for them.

They had no idea what to do with all the presents and they were sure their were children who needed them more than these kids did but it was also something that people had taken the time to send for the kids specifically because of what they had been through. It was an ongoing discussion and the more gifts that arrived the more they needed to make a decision.

"No a tree for the zoo, so when it grows big and strong we can sit under it and think about my Mom and Dad. I saw it in a movie." He wasn't looking at his Pops but was playing with Charlie's hand. He had been watching Hallmark Christmas Movies with his sisters lately, much to Adam's disgust. He hated that crap. "This girl's mommy died and she planted a tree and when she was sad she would go sit under the tree and talk to her Mom. If we plant a tree when I am sad I can go talk to Mom and Dad and then I won't feel so sad anymore."

Adam leant over and kissed his head. "I love you Bud. We'll buy a tree."

"Two trees." Alfie reminded him. "One for Chicago and one for Australia."

While Charlie was asleep after a feed Adam helped Alfie research what trees they needed. When he got a bee in his bonnet he wouldn't stop until he got it sorted. He was very much like his Dad in that regards. He decided on an oak tree for Chicago and a Gum tree for Australia. He asked Adam to help him write a letter to both places asking if that would be okay when Adam had pointed out that they would need permission. They couldn't just go and plant a tree.

Kim wasn't having such a sweet time as Adam though. Mae could be a little rough with her conversations, she just cut to the chase and didn't mince her words and when their manicurist made an innocent comment when Mae chose her nail colour Mae cut her down swiftly.

"You picked the same colour as your Mom."

"She's not my Mom. My Mom is dead, so is my Dad. She's my Aunty." She pointed at Rhiannon. "I'm an orphan."

"Oh, I'm sorry." The poor girl stuttered and Lola tried to shush her but Mae just ignored her.

"Did you know my Mom?"

"No I didn't sweetie, but she must have been beautiful like you."

"You didn't know her, why are you sorry?"

The poor girl was speechless. Mae had got on this rant lately that she didn't get why people were sorry her Mom and Dad died when they didn't know them. She didn't get that people could be sorry about things that had nothing to do with them. They had tried to tell her it was because they were sad for them but Mae didn't get that either. "Okay Mae, that's enough." Kim learnt the best way was to just politely remind Mae to stop.

Iris wanted the same colour as her sister and the young girl manicurist didn't say a word. She wasn't stuffing up again, she was actually too scared to talk to Mae. While Mae was getting her pedicure, Kim had her nails done and apologised to the girl. "I'm sorry about Mae, she gets a little too honest sometimes."

"I am sorry about her Mom and Dad and if I upset her."

"You didn't upset her, she's just taken to being brutally honest lately. It can be a little confronting. I don't think she does it to be mean."

"I am sure she doesn't. It must be hard for her."

"For all of us. She has two sisters…" Kim pointed to Lola and Iris. "…and a brother at home."

"How awful for them." Kim was starting to regret saying anything. The last thing she wanted to do was get dragged down that rabbit hole. People were naturally curious and it was obvious why Mae was the way she was. If she brutally told them her parents were dead they tended not to ask any other questions. Pussy footing around it only made people feel like you wanted to talk about it. Kim didn't want to talk about it, living it was hard enough.

"MiMi read this letter." Alfie shoved it at her the moment she walked through the door. "Pops helped me type it out." All Adam did was make sure the spelling was correct, he didn't try to correct his grammar or what he wanted to say. It took them forever because Alfie's typing skills were as good as his grandfather's. This was Alfie's idea and his letter.

Kim felt her heart tear as she read it.

 _Dear Matt_

 _ZooKeeper in charge,_

 _My Mom and Dad got married at your zoo; it was their favourite place in Chicago. When he used to work at your zoo and I used to come in all the time and play in his office and visit the animals. His favourite was Ada, he grew her in Africa and her baby is going to live in Australia at my Dad's other zoo. We came to see her._

 _I want to come and plant a tree for my Mom and Dad so that when we get sad me and my sisters, Charlotte, Mabel and Iris can come and talk to our Mom and Dad because they are now in heaven. They died._

 _Is that okay?_

 _Their names were Sam Hollister and Polly Ruzek Hollister and we miss them so much. Do you remember their wedding?_

 _It might help us feel better if we have a tree to come and visit and tell them how much we miss them. Can we call it the Ruzek Hollister Tree? Other people can visit it too if they are sad or lonely or missing someone they love very much. I think this is a very good idea. I want to buy the tree with my own money for Christmas._

 _For your zoo we think an Oak Tree would be best. I asked my Pops and we looked it up on the computer. If you think that is a good tree? For his zoo in Australia we are going to plant a Gum tree. One day soon we will go back to Australia and plant it and when I am bigger I am going to live there._

 _Thank you._

 _Alfred Ruzek Hollister._

'That's beautiful Alfie." Kim was obviously crying. "It's perfect."

"Yeah? Pops said it was okay. I think it's a nice idea." He was so excited and it was nice to see him happy about something to do with Christmas. He'd been so reluctant up until now to talk about it. "It's okay to buy a Christmas present for Mom and Dad isn't it? Even if they can't see it?"

"It's a beautiful idea. You are a very special boy."

He leant on his MiMi's legs and waited for a cuddle. "You know MiMi I think we need to make Christmas special. It's Charlie's first Christmas and Bug really loves Christmas, she's still little, I think Charlie and Bug will really like it."

"I think that's a very sweet thing to say."

"I also told Pops I need to teach Charlie about his penis when he's bigger."

"Did you just?"

"It's okay MiMi my Dad taught me, Pops doesn't need to help."

All Kim could do was laugh. It was a sound that was being heard more and more often in this house.

The passage of time was the biggest healer of hearts.


	12. Live Again

The tree looked small, it's branches soft and bendy and the leaves looked delicate as the breeze made them sway. It was small compared to the towering gums that surrounded it. The wind rustled above them, the sky was clear and blue and dust swirled around their feet. In the background, the hustle and bustle of the zoo was filling the air. They had come out early, before the crowds because they didn't want the attention. It was a perfect as it could be, quiet, warm and the smell of the bush filled the air.

Four sets of small feet stood at the base of the tree, the feet of children. The last time they were here they were smaller, much smaller, but a year was a long time, a long time in the life of a child. And for one of them it had been a quarter of her life already.

This was Alfie's dream, his idea and from that little idea grew the plan to be here today. He wanted to come; he had begged them to come and his Pops had helped him write the letters; they included him in all the emails and talked to him about the plans and even today they let Alfie take the lead. It was his day, a day he wanted for himself and his sisters.

Exactly a year ago their lives were torn apart, their future as shattered as the twisted metal of their parent's car. They had picked up the pieces and like someone painstakingly trying to glue a priceless antique back together; it was slow and relentless. Sometimes you had to just apply the glue and sit and hold it for as long as it took to dry and hope it would hold.

It was never going to be as strong as it once was, even if it looked almost exactly the same.

Coming back here was never going to be easy and the closer they got the quieter it became in the car. Kim stared out the window at the landscape, dry and harsh as it whizzed by. But there was something about it, it felt familiar, it felt comforting and she felt close to them.

They had loved it here. The kids loved it here and they had thrived and were desperate to come back although now they were here it wasn't so exciting. They had been happy here with their parents. Perhaps in the back of Alfie's mind he thought that they weren't really gone, that maybe they were back here living life without them.

His reality was different. They weren't here, they weren't waiting for them and when that hit him, in that moment a hopeful little boy finally learned about the finality of death and his heart broke all over again.

But he planted his tree.

Crossing his legs Alfie sat under the sapling. "I love you Mom and Dad. I promise I will always come back to you. One day I'm going to come back here and live here and work at this zoo. I know I told you I was going to be a Cop like Pops but I think I want to be like Dad. This is my favourite place in the whole world. I always remember coming here with you. I'll make you proud of me Dad and one day I will marry someone like Mom, because she was the best."

Alfie told them about Lola going to her first party that included boys and how Pops freaked out and gave her a long lecture about how to behave and what boys are like and what they want. How he went on and on about when his Dad started sniffing around his Mom. He told them about Mae getting into trouble for being a little too descriptive in her oral presentation about animals at school, she'd slipped in some information about reproduction that the teacher wasn't expecting. His conversation about Iris and her insistence that she needed to teach Charlie how to crawl was cute. She was frustrated with him because he couldn't crawl despite them telling her that he was too young. It didn't matter, she kept trying. It was going to be a big day when Charlie actually did learn how to crawl.

He had done so well, he was brave and strong and then he fell apart. "I really miss you. I wish you were here. I am trying not to miss you too much but it's too hard. Please come back."

Lola sat down beside him and made Alfie sit in her lap, she cuddled him and whispered something in his ear and he smiled, a smile that lit up his face. Mae joined them and Iris soon followed, she wrapped her arms around Mae's neck and giggled before sitting down next to her sister and Mae held her hand. Everyone took a step back and let them have their moment. They were beautiful together, they had scrapped and fought some days but they knew that whatever the future bought for them they would always have each other's back. It was how they were raised. They had to rely on each other, there was no-one else that was going to love them as much as their parents taught them to love each other.

Adam wrapped his arms around Kim and they watched them. Despite Polly and Sam leaving guardianship to his sister they had decided that they were better off with Adam and Kim for now. They were all doing so well and uprooting them again seemed cruel when they were all happy to continue. Heidi and Hudson did however buy a house closer to Adam and Kim, just a few houses further up the street so that they were close by to help out. Everything they did now was for them, they had made it through the first year, barely and some days early on it seemed like it would never happen. It was rough, it challenged them, there were days when the grief overwhelmed them, when they never thought they'd crawl out of the hole. Birthdays came and went, anniversaries, Christmas and all those firsts but everyday they inched closer to living again.

They heard them laugh, they saw them smile and they watched them cry.

They watched them start to live again.

 ** _I don't know about you, but I cried so many times as I wrote this story. It was a challenge to write because I loved that couple and this family. I know they are fictional people but I am attached to them nonetheless._**

 ** _Thank you for reading, I am not sure it's right to say I hope you enjoyed it, but I do hope I at least did justice to a story of what happens when you are a child and your world is shattered._**


End file.
